On reading a recent advice column article entitled, “Should I tell my grown up children the real reason for the divorce?”, I considered the issues involved. Although on the surface, the questioner is asking about whether she should tell the children the truth, there is more going on than meets the eye.
The questioner continues struggling with keeping secrets. Keeping secrets is always stressful. Even when you have good motives, you can’t avoid the stress. The distress that secret keeping places on your body doesn’t care about motives. Your gastric juices continue churning, your nerves stay on edge and your blood pressure stays higher than it would’ve. There are also the muscle tension issues, the skin irritation issues and the possible increased secretion of acids in your mouth. Add to this headaches and lower self-esteem and you have a crazy mixed salad of symptoms.
The questioner never mentions health problems, yet keeping a secret like that for years takes it’s toll on your body. Perhaps through fear of being seen as a ‘scorned woman’ she carried that burden. Her own fears forged the bars of her prison.
In addition, there are the relational stresses. There is never the openness that once existed. Your vigilance is always in the on position. You can’t risk letting the ‘real’ reason for the divorce slip.
This kind of tension is not just with the kids. The vigilance must remain with the neighbors and friends as well. Any slip of the tongue and the secret of the ‘real reason’ is out.
The questioner never considers that she forced her children to live a lie. The ‘grown children’ continue living a fairy tale. In keeping the peace, she undermines any trust her children place in her. You may also be keeping the peace while sacrificing trust and honesty.
The logic of keeping the peace with a cheater at the price of damaging trust with your children doesn’t make sense to me. She makes short term peace-keeping choices that have long term consequences.
Her choices means that she continues her husband’s version of events. His reality is the one forced on the whole family.The lie agreed upon between the parents becomes the lie the whole family believes.
Like a hostage, she continues repeating the agreed upon storyline. Sticking to the story not only continued the lie, she continued playing victim.
By continually hiding the real reason for events, she kept her husband from pain as well. He never faced the consequences of his cheating with his children. He could live life ‘happily ever after’ while she continued his secret.
She definitely didn’t apply ideas from the Affair Recovery Workshop. Had she done so, the relationships would be different. She would have different relationship with her husband and with her children. Rather than having relationships built around a secret affair, it would instead be built around other qualities.
She’d recognize the importance of trust and communication. She’d know the dangers of keeping the peace ahead of honesty and trust is disastrous.
It’s never too late.
The workshop can help her rebuild her life and her relationship with others. Even months or years later, she can make improvements that impact the whole family. She can break the dysfunctional patterns in her life. Perhaps now is the time for you to break those dysfunctional patterns as well.
Best Regards,
Jeff
