In dealing with the cheater, you may have wondered whether or not you can forgive them and also when you forgive them. In terms of whether or not you choose to forgive, consider the cost of not forgiving.
When you choose not to forgive, you’ll be the one carrying the burden. You’ll experience symptoms that accompany holding onto such a toxic issue.
There are physical, emotional and spiritual consequences that come with holding onto the burden. That burden in toxic in more dimensions than you may have considered.
Those consequences are already costing you in many ways. Your health is not as good as it was and neither are your finances. Your choice to hold onto the issues has a price.
Many of those aches and health issues you’ve been experiencing are made worse by holding onto the burden. You may have dismissed those problems them or disavowed any connection between your symptoms and the affair. Your body knows the plain and simple truth that they are connected.
Your inability to sleep without drugs or alcohol, and that added weight are all part of your holding onto unforgiveness. The more you hold onto, the more it shows.
The pain will worsen when you see the cheater carrying on life without care, worry or burden. It is not fair. You can tell yourself that it’s “not fair” all you want, but it will not change things.
Forgiveness is not about being fair. It never has been about fairness. Issues of what is fair, just or right are items determined by the courts. You need to decide whether you want to hold onto your unforgiveness.
After a period of time, it will turn into bitterness. Once bitterness sets in, there is little joy in life at all.
You also need to recognize that forgiveness does NOT mean that you condone or approve of what they did. Forgiveness is not a stamp of approval.
It is also important to recognize that you are forgiving the person, NOT what they did.
They’ll need to remain accountable for what they did. Forgiving them allows the two of you to be ‘in relationship’ again. It allows the defensive walls to be put down.
Dealing with forgiveness is a tough dilemma, although not an impossible one.
The video, “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” guides you through what to do, how to do it and when to start. Your healing can begin in a few moments from now with your order.
Best Regards,
Jeff
6 Responses
I agree with how this state compares to carrying a heavy weight.
It is most difficult when there is little or no repentance. Even GOD demands sorrow UNTO …that LEADS TO …change…. repentance….and HIS word advises us to deal with offenses in a way wherein we are to forgive seventy times seven because we need it …and we need repentance as often times also .
Eze 14:6 Therefore say unto the house of Israel, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Repent, and turn [yourselves] from your idols; and turn away your faces from all your abominations.
Eze 18:30 Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel, every one according to his ways, saith the Lord GOD. Repent, and turn [yourselves] from all your transgressions; so iniquity [ lawlessness] shall not be your ruin.
Mat 3:2 And saying, Repent ye: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.
Mar 1:15 And saying, The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand: repent ye, and believe the gospel.
Luk 13:3 I tell you, Nay: but, except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish.
Luk 17:3 Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, REBUKE him; and IF HE REPENT, forgive him.
Even THIS is PRESENTLY to be applied..
Rev 2:5 Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.
In faith it is to return to the LORD in truth …to love him with all we have …and HE says that is to ‘keep his words’ ….which work IN the person who is willing to submit to the wisdom of them
Rev 2:16 Repent; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will fight against them with the SWORD of MY MOUTH .
We know from scripture this ‘sword’ refers to HIS WORDS …they ‘fight against’ iniquity ,..law LESS ness …to be without heeding the WORD ..is to be LAW LESS….
God is longsuffering in terms of his errant bride.,.the church …he STILL demands REPENTANCE and return to godly walking …
Rev 2:21 And I gave her space to repent of her fornication; and she repented not.
Here God compares the lawless church to adulteress….the same demand for a change of heart is recorded here .
Rev 2:22 Behold, I will cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her into great tribulation, except they repent of their deeds.
Forgiveness of GOD is accessed by way of REPENTANCE of sinful DEEDS….that comes through a change in the content of the heart/ MIND by way of the WORD being ‘held’ in our minds…thinking what GOD says is true. and then DOING it …
Rev 3:3 Remember therefore how thou hast received and heard, and hold fast, and repent.
If therefore thou shalt not watch, I will come on thee as a thief, and thou shalt not know what hour I will come upon thee.
People cry out that to tell them truth is not ‘loving ‘ …but GOD tells a different story here …in his care for our welfare both here and now as well as our eternity ..HE chastens those who HE LOVES ….
How should we do less?
Rev 3:19 As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.
True ‘meekness’ is NOT a demonstration or posture toward people …meekness is receiving GOD’s WORD and submitting to them
2Ti 2:25 In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth;
A note …repentance is something RECEIVED from GOD .,..apparently since HE knows the truth of the content of the heart…HE can discern the veracity of the ‘sorrow ‘ that a person displays as a result of being found out in sin ..or even becoming sick and tired of sinning .
The true sorrow FOR SIN …is going to ‘bring forth fruit MEET for repentance…..’meet ‘ = adequate …proof of genuine sorrow FOR sin against GOD and man …rather than sorrow for being caught or sorrow for what one enjoys being labeled a “sin ‘
Lack of understanding the depth of damage to not only others but oneself causes one to long for sin to be ‘acceptable’ …it is the curse of the state of the world that wants to legitimize sin …as we see going on all over in our world today ….laws against the laws of GOD ! True ‘workers of iniquity ‘ …lawlessness…being legitimized rather than condemned and shamed!
The HEART of the person is the issue in terms of whether THEY are indeed sorry ..as you have covered many times before in this blog. it is sometimes difficult to determine if they are indeed really changed within ..the actions speak a lot louder than words or even expressions .
“Show me the money ‘ comes to mind….not actual currency but the currency of repentance is more than ‘regret’ and ‘admission’ is it not?
It is also not a matter of forgive and forget …as some people like to claim …they like to site GOD telling us that He has forgotten because He has cast our sin as far as the east is from the west …but He does not really FORGET anything …in fact all sin and it’s accumulations necessitated payment …and that is what Jesus Christ offers to those who are not only sorry but intentional about making every effort to be CLEANSED in their heart …which is what HIS WORD is to do IN us
I think also as I have tried to examine what my own state is in terms of forgiveness ….it is sometimes hard to differentiate between the pain of the reality of the infidelity and what it ‘feels’ like to forgive.
The pain seems to continue …but my life goes on …I also find that I am joyful many times ..especially when sharing the things that GOD has been teaching me and correcting me over the years.
Sharing His word and the things I have seen that have been corrected in doctrine and practice give me joy to think perhaps what I may have to offer in terms of all the things I have been learning NOT to do …haaha …may help someone else …or what is NOT biblical yet may be accepted wholesale by some who only ‘go ‘ to church but have missed the joy of personal investigation
The Lord does tell us to forgive ..to pray for our enemies..and to do good to those who have wronged us ….then I asked Him …what does it look like to do this ….actually ‘good ‘ by HIS definition is not so much to do what makes people FEEL GOOD but to share what IS GOOD ..which is HIS WORD …sometimes it ‘stings’ but that is REAL love as Jesus demonstrated
Loving others is no the way HUMANIST dogma has set forth …it is not loving to avoid informing someone that the way they choose to live …sinfully is “ok’ …or ‘excused’ …to love someone is to love them enough to give them what we love ourselves with ..TRUTH ….
Kindness is great …and we can speak the word kindly …but if we sacrifice truth because we fear to hurt someone’s feelings isn’t it a bit like a doctor who sees a cancer and fails to inform his patient ..telling him it is ‘nothing ‘ go home and take an aspirin?
I continue in my marriage …but my husband continues not to commit adultery but to continue to demonstrate preference and making time for his need to be in the lives of the children of adultery….he does not see how this has denied me the kind of energy and focus our marriage and family need in this time of ‘healing ‘
He is continuing to feed his fleshly ‘need’ to be a good guy in their eyes…
For love sake ..the best thing I think he needs to do ..is to not impress them with a lying facade of a good guy who brings food , money and presence ,..but if he is seriously going to sacrifice our marriage and family to be a ‘father ‘ to them …he needs to really offer something of substance to their development …character issues and knowledge that would protect them from being deceived and possiblity targets for the worldly and sexual abuses they will face in the future due to the way the world and their sinful parents conduct themselves in the name of ‘love’
But so far he is still functioning in the paridigm of ‘what they don’t know won’t hurt them ‘ just as he did while cheating , lying and stealing from our marriage and family
This living a lie ‘for the protection ‘ of others is deadly …one day if they are not taught truth about all of what they will face in life…and particularly if he will not teach them about sex from the biblical truths we have been learning …then they too will fall into deceptions and practice deceit as their parents have demonstrated throughout their lives
He does not want to do the teaching of this …because I suspect he feels that it will eventually expose what he is or has been to them ….but sooner or later this will come about .
I suggested he read Proverbs over the meals he has with them …HE did print out Proverbs chapters one through seven …and gave it to them telling them that if they read it and he read it they could talk about it …but they showed their mother and she told him through a text that he is not to give them HIS ReLIGIOUS materials
She is a practicing servant of the devil …and has claimed communism and goddess worship among other things…
It is sad that he had a great start in his walk …and then was taken SO FAR in the opposite “camp” …becoming the slave of an outright self proclaimed blasphemer of GOD !
Now he is seeing this but is afraid to assert the faith…He has always been ‘shy’ to even speak the name of Jesus …even in the days when he was learning to walk with the LORD …he would call him the ‘Big Guy’ or ‘the man upstairs
I remember feeling offended but did not want to address it …I was wrong ..His ‘shyness’ was costly to his soul …Jesus said if we are ashamed of HIM before men …that HE would be ashamed of us before the Father …something wrong with someone who is ashamed to speak the name of Jesus Christ outloud!
Fear of what people think …I should have taken heed.
Forgive my husband for adultery ? I think I have …but ongoing and continued refusal to engage in what is called for to heal …I am not so sure …How do we forgive what GOD does not ? Without repentance there is NO forgiveness…
Forgiveness is AVAILABLE but in order to access and apply it to ones life there is a requirement for one to REPENT ..to turn from sin and to allow the WORD to cleanse us from the inside as we learn and apply it to our thinking … behavior ..choices …and life.
At least that is what I have been understanding …living like this is continuing to be a lot of work and pain …not so much because of the past ..though that is difficult ..but because of the ongoing effort that he makes to justify his behavior .
He does not see that his effort to be in their lives is not the same as simply coming home and we are in his life because it is where we all ARE ….
Intentional pursuit is a big part of this issue …and it is lacking in HUGE amounts in terms of me ..our marriage and our daughters compared to the thought and effort he extends to make sure he is IN their lives….
Does this make any sense to you?
Zaza,
You asked, “Does this make sense to you?”…It does not make as much sense as I would like. Since there are so many things brought up, I am not sure what to focus on. It is unclear to me which is most important and what you are trying to say. Having a clear focus would help me make more sense of it. I understand that there are so many feelings and thoughts that you are dealing with that you feel overwhelmed at times. Given the unique situation you are in, anyone would feel overwhelmed. Fortunately our Lord is not the author of confusion.
OK …sorry …I do tend to ‘overflow’!
I was asking about the idea of intentional pursuit …..to me I think that is ONE of the things that is foundational which failing to do brings about the sense of ‘need’ in those who commit adultery
In otherwords..if they were busy obeying the ‘leaving ‘ or making their spouse their priority ..they would not only not have a ‘need’ for more ‘interesting ‘ relationships but they would be too involved with doing what GOD has said for them to do to get ‘distracted’
The idea of FOCUS is found throughout the word…the first commandment is pretty much a demand for loyalty and focus upon the LORD
In marriage the focus and loyalty is to be upon the wife …who is not commanded this kind of thing because as God acknowledge Eve’s ‘desire would be for her husband ‘
Women tend to marry because they enjoy focusing upon doing whatever they can discover will please him
At least that is what I believe aa woman would do if she marries for love.
The man who focuses his attention , time and energy in learning about his WIFE …and then applying that knowledge to loving and pleasing HER …as his obedient service to GOD will fhen find fulfillment
Just as WORK was not based in the beginning upon what that work woud gain the man persay …work for it’s own sake was good
Loving ones wife has it’s own ‘reward’ as in it’s ongoing function brings about many aspects of fulfillment in not just the man ..but in the woman it stimulates a response.
It has actually been measured in some science dealing with hormonal responses of the brain chemistry when certain activities and visuals have been found to excite the neuro system
I am no expert I just found this to be an interesting aspect of this ‘service’ of loving one’s spouse …it serves to bring forth from the godly design conditions within our bodies that GOD knows and thus is wise in his commandment for men to love their wives..and that will bring about a response that will complete the ‘curcuitry ‘ so to speak
In the world we live in man had to be instructed to do this …out of obedience ..because life brings many ‘distractions’ and challenges to the oneness that marriage is designed to demonstrate the overcoming of all things that come through a lifetime .
It is life that challenges marriage oneness …and with each person submitting to the intent to make it through these TOGETHER there is also the resulting ‘fulfillment’ and ‘bonding ‘ that glues them together
It is seen in many other aspects that challenge people where they enjoy the conquering through their ‘teamwork ‘ to overcome ….sports …war …etc all have a certain bonding that brings about a comradery …and an affection that is shared by all who were involved with the overcoming or winning .
Thus if a man will obey GOD to make his earthly relationship priority HIS WIFE ..and stay loyal to that …and if he will follow the instructions to confine his focus upon learning what his wife is like…by “living with your wife according to knowledge ‘ and it is interesting that that scripture in Malachi ..is including ‘because she is the weaker vessel ”not to just focus upon her physical need for protection …but also her EMOTIONAL sensitivity being such that her emotions ALSO need protection
HOW is a man to protect his wife’s emotions?
By keeping himself …his love ..his time …his energy …all of himself devoted to HER …not spreading his emotional energy and focus upon every random person or cause that comes soliciting his time …focus and energy …
all resources that are to be FIRST confined and focused upon his WIFE
For HIS OWN fulfillment
To spend one’s life REACTING and RESPONDING without any regard for what it takes from the wife ..marriage and family soon deploys a man’s LIFE to all other things…nothing and no time is set aside for the marriage relationship and HIS “NEEDS” are unmet ..
The wife and marriage gets the “BLAME ‘ for not ‘meeting his needs’ when it was within HIS POWER and actually is HIS responsibity as GOD commands the husband to make sure other things and people do not steal away HIS LIFE
The losses in our marriage were directly DUE to my husband’s choices to throw one baracade after another between his ‘having time ‘ to be a participant in our relationship
The ‘unhappiness’ results not because he married the ‘wrong woman ‘ or a person that was unpleasing …it resulted from his neglect to nurture and give of his attention and loyalty to his wife!
I believe such is the design of marriage that the ‘happiness’ and ‘contentment ‘ one experiences within it comes directly from one’s loyalty and involvment …no matter WHAT it is ..even the ‘bad ‘ times
Without involvement in marriage ..being a god designed covenant ..there is a violation of that marriage vow..which is SIN
Sin brings about a state of ‘unhappiness’
If the marriage vow is continually violated then there is a contiunal ‘unhappiness’ that is from SIN …
Then there is blame upon the SPOUSE …rather than a look within to see the sin of disobedience to the command of GOD for MARRIAGE …ie…LEAVING …which implies singular loyalty to the Lord, the wife an the marriage …and it is demonstrated by priority …of focus, time , energy and all other resources within that husband
The husband who refuses to make this ‘identity’ change as one must to follow the LORD in order to be indentified with HIM as a follower…is a must …a husband MUST be willing to change his ‘identity ‘ which will demand attitude and identity change to BE a HUSBAND” in all areas of his life.
My husband would not do this …as he began to have offerings that encouraged his independence…and his being indentified as a singular individual ..as the world calls for …to be a ‘man ‘ in the eyes of the world…being accountable to no one…HE began to pull away from this obligation which would have grown his love and satisfaction with me and his own life
This self orchestrated unhappiness was from his refusal to offer up what is called for to be content and fulfilled in marriage .
His selfish ‘requirement’ to ‘do it his way ‘ as Frank Sinatra’s popular song encourages …left all of what marriage offers to a man for his fulfillment UNMET
I was not the one that did not fulfill his ‘needs’
He created his own unhappiness and was deceived into using ME as the scapegoat for what he was unwilling to do in obedience to GOD as his role as a husband
Just as when people refuse to obey GOD so that they may access salvation …refusing to go through Jesus Christ they blame GOD for the unhappy state they are in when they are unable to ‘get ‘ from GOD what they think they have due …
So in the state of ‘need’ that my husband created by his refusal to put me in the godly place among people as priority ..and refusing to learn about what good this was ..he created his “justification ” for ‘needing’ another woman
It is interesting to learn from him that he would never marry her and he told HER so because SHE was not the ‘whole package’ but he felt he had it ‘all ‘ combining HER with his ‘relationship ‘ with me!
His whole paridigm was his own life …HIS ‘needs’ …without considering others at all!
He felt he was fulfilling his responsilbility to marriage by paying the bills and providing housing , food and clothing …period.
He felt he was ‘fair’ to the OW because she knew he was only interested in a ‘relationship’ with her involving sex ..and maybe some other benefits…mostly financial …since they could not safely go anywhere
I found this interesting since one of his ‘reasons’ for committing adultery was that I was not able to alway go with him at the drop of a hat and ‘have fun’ …which is a lie …I had sitters but I would have needed some notice to get them for a date …it was just an excuse …he COULD not go out with her …so this idea of not being able to have FUN …was just another lie ..
I asked him how he thought his relationship with her was ‘fair ‘ since that was his biggest concern for how he treated others…I asked him what he thought of as the definition of ‘friend’ was …He said ..” someone who is there when you need them’
“How were you a ‘friend ‘ to her when you had to be at home with us ? What if SHE wanted sex and you were not available?”
“How were you a ‘friend ‘ to your wife when I needed you for household , family or even sex and you denied me and our family?”
How convoluted a person in the state of selfishness is ….
I feel the ‘benefits’ he thinks his arrangment with his efforts with the children of adultery are in the same mode of thinking ….He has inserted himself as the ‘father’ to them when he is not able to fulfill this FOR THEM
Therefore I see his efforts to build a ‘relationship’ with them based upon this identification that he is their ‘father ‘ is false…and actually detrimental ….THEY cannot access him anytime for anything ,..as he HAS a family that is in need of his attention …HE has made the DECISION unilaterally that HE WILL involve himself …solicite their trust and emotional attachment and eventually HE will fail them …because he is not able to fulfill that relationship AS ‘father ..’ but is actually more of an acquaintance with gifts, money and fun
Their whole paridigm of what a father or even a friend is depends upon the power of fatherhood impacting their expectations that are doomed to fail in follow through …’
I know this sounds negative …but the truth of what a parent is called upon BECAUSE of the very poweful impact of that particular relationship is CRUCIAL to the foundational understanding of how all relationships especially those most intimate should be experienced and carried out
The expectation of what should be in place in the marriage were set by the relationshps a child has experienced with their own father …mother and their observation of HOW the marriage ‘works’
Today that is nearly a phantom of the past …segmented ‘roles’ have been redefined …and mostly for the comfort and convenience of the adults …to the damage of the children …and it will have ongoing effects as they enter into their own emotional attachments
I believe that the idea of the ‘hook up’ is a direct result of the fear of emotional attachment by the generation most recently observing the unreliablity of those who are supposed to be THE MOST reliable ..their parents
This kind of deciet which serves the adults desires for independence has brought about not only harm to the way the children of the OW perceive ‘love’ and ‘responsiblity ‘ but to our own children who now have lived with the small crust of my husband’s schedule ….to learn he HAD the option and freedom to be involved in our lives because of his freedom of scheduling discretionary time ..as we see him do with the chilrden of the adultery …but HE CHOSE to make his free time …FOR HIS ADULTERESS and now he does the SAME thing for the children of ADULTER and STILL does not accept that he has not done this kind of preferential making of himself available to ME and our family
Just last night I tried to explain why this is an issue…that he is willing to interrupt the ‘sanctity’ of his work in ordre to jump to the call of the kids…of the OW …but we have spent our lives honoring the ‘need’ he has had for us to not contact him at work ..unless it was an emergency!
His response was that he knows he will see us all at the end of the day
He fails to see how his intiation of pursuit of the children of the OW are very much just like his provision and pursuit of the OW …
He never ONCE during our entire marriage called me up from work and left in order to meet me for lunch …after work drinks…or sexual encounter ..but now I have learned this was one of the benefits he had because I honored his TIME that his ‘work’ needed !
So ..even now he does not see this as it is …
That is what I was referring to …the neglect of honor , loyalty and PURSUIT ….the sacrifice of his work in order to pursue …never me…always other people ..even on the weekend ..AND on vacation
Parly from his guilt but mosty from his SELFISH NESS
Drawn away from doing what investing in our love would have kept his love in his marriage would have done
Same thing NOW .
Zaza,
You hit on many key points.
-Husbands need to focus on their wives rather than themselves for both emotional and health reasons.
-The wrong focus of looking at getting his needs fulfilled rather than fulfilling his ‘responsibilities’
-The cheater’s refusal to ‘be one flesh’ and go through the identity change that is part of that. He wanted the joining physically, yet did not give up his own identity in the process.
-The mistake of looking for fun rather than fulfillment
-The problem of having wrong priorities.
Each of those issues can be a major topic in themselves.
You have made short work of my long wind! Hahaha…thank you Jeff ….I think sometimes I learn what I am thinking by expressing it ….sort of like Abbey on NCIS …where she tabulated in the air to organize her thoughts….I appreciate the patient reading of what I place . I hope both our efforts prove to be of some help to others…..I am thankful for this blog for how you clarify many of the issues that those who are thrust into this so abruptly . BTW HAPPY FATHER”S DAY coming up here …Hope you have a great one!
Zaza,
Thank you. I also appreciate the wish for a Happy Father’s Day. I understand about processing your thoughts while you talk. I have done that some myself as well. Rest assured that the efforts are helping others.