“Couples surviving an affair”

If you have ever searched the internet for information on “couples surviving an affair” you’d find that they can.

A marriage can survive an affair. Think about that for a moment.  ‘A marriage can survive an affair’.

That also means that an affair does not have to mean the end of the marriage. As simple as it sounds, that is also a powerful truth.

Having grown up in Texas, I assumed that one place you would find truth and truthfulness was in the churches. You may have assumed that as well. One day, I heard my then pastor’s wife say “Since my first husband cheated on me, I was free to divorce him and re-marry”.

My jaw suddenly dropped. I was shocked at what I heard. I am not sure that she understood the ramifications of what she just said. What stunned me was that she was bragging about this.

I was stunned by what she said. I was shaking inside. I had to research the matter further. Sadly, I discovered that in many churches, one of the standard allowable and seldom questioned reasons for divorce is’ infidelity’.

Perhaps this position became popular in churches with the trendy ‘no-fault’ divorce laws which spread across the States. Since I;m not a lawyer, I don’t know for sure whether the law came first followed by changes in theology  or the change in theology came before the law.

Regardless of the source, it’s a social shift that you and I have to deal with, whether it makes sense legally, psychologically, socially or theologically.

I suppose that pastors have to bend their theology in order to have a clear conscience on the matter and help their congregants feel better about themselves. Taking a strong Biblical stand on divorce and infidelity often makes people feel guilty.

Some theologians have gone so far as to state that the account of Jesus and the woman taken in adultery was not ‘really’ in the preserved Scripture. In other words, they found a way of discrediting the story so they don’t have to follow it or teach it.

What I know as a social scientist, is that this is a trend across many churches in many parts of the country. You may be shocked at finding your church’s position on this as well.

I understand that there are some marriages that are bad, or life threatening, yet what bothers me is that infidelity has become a ‘get out of marriage free‘ card for many couples and many organized churches support them in this.

Not only was it a get out of marriage card, the whole idea has become an unquestioned theologically accepted position in many churches. When you have a marriage tainted by an affair in many churches, you’re not obligated to try to fix anything.

Even though a couple can survive an affair, you are no longer required to even try in some places. It becomes a matter of no question, no guilt, no fault.

You may not have even considered the testimony made when there are non-church going Hollywood couples who can and do make it past affairs, yet some of the church going crowd gives up on marriages when an affair happens. I don’t know about you, but that strikes me as strange.

Once someone has been cheated on, especially if the cheater is ‘not a believer’, the church-going person is given ‘permission’ to pretty much do as they please.

I have even encountered situations where the love used this ‘get out of marriage free card’ to encourage the cheater to leave their unbelieving spouse. Talk about twisted theology! Talk about making Scripture say what you want it to say!

This only allows spouses who plan out their exit affairs to have a theological position so that they can get out of the marriage and not feel guilty about it.

Although I have addressed the get out of marriage free card in previous blog posts, it also bothered me that being cheated on was and is often used as a type of bragging right. Instead of saying “My first marriage failed and I bailed on it”, my pastor’s wife was bragging about it!

It told me that when it comes to affairs, there are many topsy-turvy church teachings when it comes to affairs and ways of dealing with them. Couple the topsy-turvy teaching with how many churches avoid even discussing sex, and you have a cultural nightmare.

It is no wonder that so many people are ‘confused’ about affairs, even in churches. When you do not get consistent, straight answers from counselors, your pastor or even your church, it will leave you confused.

Confused teaching leads to confused thinking which leads to confused decision making.

The reality is that many couples can survive an affair. You can as well. As with other traumas you survive, it will change you. Your marriage will not be the same, but it doesn’t have to end. If you are looking for help in steering your marriage through an affair, I can help you with that.

My ‘Affair Recovery Workshop‘ gives you all you need in dealing with the situation and tools for turning things around in your marriage.

Best Regards.

Jeff