You may have been told that you are ‘playing the victim card.’ being told that raises two possibilities, that you have played the victim card, or that the accuser is using that cliche to de-legitimize what you are saying or asking. The victim card is a trump card that immediately interrupts the game.
What About Playing the Victim Card? <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad that you tuned into the radio show today. Today’s show we’re going to be dealing with the question what about playing the victim card.
There are times that you may have been told that you’re playing the victim card. Being told that often raises two possibilities. One possibility is that you have played the victim card, or that the accuser is using that cliché in order to de-legitimize what you’re saying or asking.
When someone makes that claim, essentially they are taking everything you said, putting a big box around it or a circle drawn in red ink, saying I don’t have to listen to this. This is not legitimate. This is not something I have to take seriously.
The victim card is often used in relationships as a trump card that immediately interrupts the whole game. Somehow it is seen as ‘MORE IMPORTANT’ than any other issue. Once it gets played, it changes everything. Much like those card games where there’s a trump suit of cards that gets played and changes things, the same thing happens here in this relationship game.
In contemporary culture, we have been trained to cater to those playing the ‘victim card’. Even if you do not fall for it, many of your friends and family members are at risk for falling for someone playing the victim card.
There are some cheaters who will bluff and act like they are going to do things which they don’t do in order to get you to act out or you to do something that you may regret later. And there are other cheaters who will call your bluff, even when it comes to the victim card.
You may be playing in a card game where you do not know the rules of the game. When you’re dealing with a cheater, some cheaters may know this game and know relationship games better than you do. Keep in mind they’ve got the relationship skills to be able to start up other relationships and sleep with other people, so they definitely have some social skills already.
In this, essentially a card game of a relationship, not knowing the rules is a sure way to love. Even in regular card games choosing to sit in on a card game where you don’t know how to play the game, you don’t know the rules of the game, that is a sure way to lose.
So what can you do about that? Well, we’re going to be dealing with that.
1. Look at who benefits from playing the victim card or accusing you of doing so. The one who shuts down or short-circuits a communication is the one who’s playing the card. Look at the payoff. Who benefits from shutting down y’all’s communication? You or the cheater? That’s the first thing to go ahead and look at.
Because the payoff gives the beneficiary avoidance. They can avoid dealing with something that came up in the conversation. You want to go ahead and look at who benefits from playing the card.
2. When it comes to the affair card game, the accusation of playing the victim is as powerful as being the victim when it comes to disrupting communication. What I’m saying here, either one of you can find yourselves playing the victim card. The cheater may say that they are the victim of not getting enough attention, of not getting enough sex, of not getting enough this or that. Or you may be the victim by having been cheated on and having been lied to.
Technically both of you have been victims to some degree or another, but when you play the victim card it, like any other trump card, short-circuits all the communication, disrupts it, and the game is actually about avoidance. Using the victim card allows you to avoid facing or dealing with something.
When you’re playing the affair card game people want to find ways of avoiding unpleasant issues. The victim card potentially disrupts the whole thing and they can avoid. This is a simple way to avoid those unpleasant issues.
3. If everyone is so focused on past events that the two of you are unable to move forward, somebody has played the victim card. Because there are times in the relationship where the two of you sit down and talk, and although neither one of you have consciously played the victim card, if y’all are staying stuck in the past and not moving forward someone has played it.
Maybe they’ve done it in a sneaky way, but they’ve played it. And you’re going to need to realize that and deal with it. Moving past victim-hood is not an easy thing because in today’s society many people glorify victims and being a victim gives you a sense of power.
That may work for game playing, but in relationships you want to get rid of the game playing. You want honesty, you want to be able to communicate clearly to each other, and when the victim card gets played it definitely turns your relationship into a game-like atmosphere.
I know that people do play the victim card, and I wanted to go ahead and address that issue. Because it disrupts so many marriages and starts so many fights. When you’re aware of it you can take steps to either avoid it, or when you see it to be able to call it. You’re playing the victim card, or you’re playing victim. Let’s quit playing and talk about what’s really going on and what we can do about it.
Because victims, a lot of times, want to assume a position of helplessness, like they couldn’t do anything about it. So you want to look at the question what are you willing to do? What can you do? What are you going to do? Questions like that.
I want to encourage you to be aware of these interventions so that you don’t get trapped with something playing the victim card on you and avoiding things. I encourage you to go ahead and put these things into place right away, as a way to help you through your recovery.
Because here at Affair Recovery Radio my goal is to help you and your spouse through the affair recovery process one step at a time. This is just another one of those steps. I encourage you to tune in to future radio shows. We may or may not have covered what you needed in this one. Stay tuned, one of the future episodes will probably cover what you need. Tell your friends about it.
If you have found the radio show helpful, please leave your positive comments here at the broadcast site or you can visit my website at www.surviveyourpartnersaffair.com. Leave your questions or concerns there, I’ll be glad to get to them. I make it a point of responding to each of the questions that people ask, because you do have questions. I’ll be glad to answer them either on the blog or in one of my future radio shows.
Thank you for tuning in and I look forward to the next show where we’ll be dealing with some more topics designed to help you through the affair recovery process.
Until next time, this is Jeff Murrah. Goodbye.
One Response