As a counselor there are many times I use ‘reverse engineering’ in order to make sense of things. Some of this began when as a graduate student, one of my professors stressed the importance of considering ‘the reason’ behind asking questions.
Understanding reasons behind the questions helps me understand what they’re really asking. Without knowing the reason, it easy getting trapped in verbal snares.
His counsel has helped me understand many challenging situations. Knowing the motivation behind questions gives me a fuller awareness of some challenging situations.
So when a reader asked “Does depression cause someone to cheat?” it piqued my interest. With a question like that, I envision a spouse using depression as an excuse for their cheating.
As a loving spouse you want to believe what they tell you, yet there are times when the excuses are so way out, its’ astounding. Depression puts people in a state of desperation.
While feeling desperate, they can use an affair as their feeble attempt at getting out of the pain. Using depression as an excuse for cheating strikes me of using depression as a crutch for infidelity.
It’s as if the affair happens and then the cheater looks for something to blame it on.
I also realize that when you’re depressed, it impacts your thinking. You start thinking in terms of what gets you out of the pain rather than long-term impact of what you do. Your pain determines your choices more than your moral convictions at time.
Affairs definitely change your mood, but in the long run, put you into a situation that worsens the effects of the depression. The guilt, shame and violation of your marriage is self-defeating.
Whatever boost in mood the affair brought into your life is cancelled out by the effects of the affair. The friction generated by the affair also alienates you from your support system.
Let me be clear, depression does not force someone to cheat. Depression is a serious problem that the affair is used to fix. It’s the wrong fix to the problem. When affairs happen related to depression, the cheater used the affair to self-medicate their mood.
This also means that the affair isn’t an intentional rejection of you. There are many other things going on impacting thinking, mood and behavior.
When your depressed spouse does have an affair, it does mean that trust has been damaged in your marriage. The damaged trust needs your attention. In the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” I address what you can do to improve the trust in your marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
