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The other week, a reader wrote to me expressing concern regarding my response to a question that came in of “How do I deal with an unloving partner?” She disliked my response to the question and felt that I blamed her for the whole situation along with not providing clear answers. I wanted to share my response to help other readers facing such a situation. “Thank you for writing to me. I appreciate your feedback. I often wish readers would elaborate on their situations further. When they just leave a single question or concern, it makes answering them challenging and filled with what could be scenarios. Your read on the situation may be totally correct. Without the details, its unclear what’s really going on. You bring up some very real possibilities. When faced with such vague situations, one of the few clues I have are the words they chose in expressing their concerns. If she wanted advice on how to live in a situation like you described, my answer would be different. Getting clarity about the strength of commitment to the marriage is a good place to start. Finding out whether both spouses are committed gives you some feel for the strength of the relationship. It would help if I knew what she meant by ‘unloving’. What is considered unloving may be a medical issue contributing to things. Someone’s hormones may be off. There could also be an addiction or medical condition which are contributing. These are matters that consulting with a health professional could help. Although medical issues are often fixable, many couples struggle with communicating about them. They hide or downplay those matters rather than discuss them openly. Another issue could be the amount of time they spend with each other. Keeping a marriage healthy requires about 20 hours a week with each other. It also helps when that time is good quality time. Insufficient time or poor quality time contributes to ‘unloving’ situations. It’s hard loving someone you don’t spend much time with. Human nature is such that when we love someone, we want to spend more time with them, not less. There could also be some issues with priorities. As a couple they may need to discuss what their priorities are and work on getting them aligned with each others. Although couples have priority differences, this is also an area that couples struggle in talking about. My experience is that spouses act on their priorities, but have never fully identified them. Given that the betrayed spouse is often the one who seeks help, I try focusing on things they can do and where they can start recovering. Starting my focus on changing the cheater, who’s not looking to make changes has not been as effective. Ideally, change starts with the cheater, but they are seldom motivated to initiate changes. They’re often not consciously hurting bad enough to start the ball rolling. They’re instead focused on the affair.” Whatever situation you may be facing, having clear communication will help remove conflict and make problem solving easier. In the video “Hurting People and Healing Questions” I share ways of improving communication that help you deal with sensitive or hard to talk about areas. Click and download your copy today. Best Regards, Jeff |
