About the time I think that I’ve covered all the bases when it comes to affairs, I’m reminded that some readers need a review of the basics. One of those basics in dealing with affairs is the subject of ‘letters’.
About the time I think that I’ve covered all the bases when it comes to affairs, I’m reminded that some readers need a review of the basics. One of those basics in dealing with affairs is the subject of ‘letters’.
Someone recently wanted me to address the topic of ‘a letter to my husband after he cheated’. Her request reminded me that that I needed to touch on this area.
After an affair, or at least while you are sorting through the aftermath of an affair, there are some things to consider when it comes to ‘letters’.
Letters offer you the convenience of sharing your thoughts and emotions without interruption and minimal risk. Letters give you a way of telling your spouse what’s on your mind and heart. They allow you to ask questions and give you the opportunity to share your feelings without interruption or explanation. No one has to respond except when they choose, which can be days or even weeks after receiving the letter. Letters appear to be safe way of communicating what’s inside you without risk of being judged, interrupted, distracted, disregarded or criticized.
When you take out the risk of interruption, the letter ceases being communication. It becomes a pulpit used for delivering them a piece of your mind. It gets your point across, but that’s no guarantee it’s understood or taken to heart.
When you’re dealing with an affair, we humans tend to believe that we should take every opportunity available to share our thoughts and feelings. Sometimes writing a letter helps. But at other times it’s not only not the best way, but inappropriate and unhelpful.
The problem with letters is they can give you a false sense of getting your point across. Sure, you expressed yourself, but that doesn’t mean your spouse understands or even takes it the way you intended.
Letters are useful for gathering your thoughts. They give you a way of connecting with your emotions. Once you’ve gathered your thoughts, using letters ceases being helpful when dealing with affairs.
I’ve seen more damage done by letters than by face-to-face conversations. For this reason I discourage using them as a way of communicating something to your spouse during affair recovery.
In my resources on communication and affair recovery, I go into deeper explanations about the danger of letters and my preference for face-to-face or phone communication.
When you use face-to-face or phone communication, it allows for spontaneity, connection and healing. This is a drastic contrast to letters which often come across as cold, impersonal and inflicts hurt each time it’s read.
You may think that adding a few things to soften what you’re saying will remedy that. Those statements make the letter look good to you. Most of the time letters are misinterpreted and read the wrong way.
It’s rare that letters are received and read in the way you intended. Rest assured that if it can be taken another way, it will be.
E-mail is even worse than letters. E-mails are notorious for being misread. The only thing worse than E-mails are text messages. You may like how they allow you to express yourself, but that doesn’t mean that you are being understood.
E-mails and text messages come across as noisy chatter, which is typically ignored or dismissed. If that’s your choice of communication channel for dealing with affair recovery, you need help.
If you’re serious about communication, consider purchasing the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions“. It provides you instructions on ways of turning your communication around in such a way that you get listened to rather than ignored.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
