There’s something oddly entertaining, yet tragic witnessing a child pitching a fit in a store. When the child cries out “I’ll die if I don’t get Frostie Flakes” (or whatever product they had their eyes on) you wince and smile at the same time.
We’re all adults here, and I’m sure that most of us have heard or even said such a thing at some point in our lives.
Hopefully the fit episode isn’t a long one. The drawn out ones are painful and pathetic.
The child makes desperate pleas, claiming how the desired product is needed for them to want to live and enjoy life. When they still don’t get their way, they go so far as to say “I don’t love you anymore” or “You don’t love me”.
The child knows that the parent will relent and give them what they want. The parents are “softies” and the child is well aware of it.
The child is plainly out of control going from one extreme of the life enhancing aspects of the product to condemning their parent as the worst of the worst and withdrawing their affections.
At times I’ve gotten angry at the parent for letting things get that out of hand, especially when the tantrum time comes. It’s pitiful when the child is laying on the floor of the store, pitching a fit.
Such scenarios are painful at first, yet make for entertaining stories. The stories are always more entertaining when they aren’t your children throwing the fits.
What’s more tragic is that many cheaters, when they’re honest with themselves and you, pitch similar fits. They want the affair so badly that their whole survival depends on it. They exaggerate situations to where the affair becomes a life or death scenario.
You’re either with them or against them. You have to join in the life enhancing aspect of the affair or else they feel that you don’t love them and won’t want to live.
In extreme cases, you even hear talk of suicidal threats from the cheater or their affair partner.
Consider if they verbalized, “My life will have no meaning if I don’t have the affair” or “You’re the meanest spouse in the world for not letting me sleep around”. It’s the same cries of the toddler, only now it’s coming from an adult cheater. These selfish affair fit beliefs lead them in making poor choices.
There’s a definite game of “Me, me, me” going on. The cheater isn’t concerned with the hurt and damage it’s causing the spouse.
Then there are the threats of withholding affection. They no longer give you the affections you’re entitled to as their spouse.
As part of Affair Recovery, these ‘Affair Fit Beliefs’ have to be challenged. You have to question whether these irrational thoughts when you encounter them. Although they sound irrational, these are the thoughts the cheater is telling themselves in their head. This is part of the self-talk going on inside them.
They need your help in challenging those temper-tantrum like thoughts and desperation behind them when it happens. Inside their head, a selfish spoiled child needs reminding of reality.
Reminding them that their life will not be over if they don’t have the affair, life will not lose its meaning, they will not lose their sense of purpose, they will not lose joy for the rest of their lives and so on.
If you want to know more about handling affair relapse, the video, “Preventing Affair Relapse” guides you through more of what you need in reducing the threat of the cheater relapsing. If your Relapse Prevention Plan is missing key ingredients, you are inviting more relationship problems.
Making it through affair recovery includes neutralizing the affair fit beliefs. As long as they continue holding onto those beliefs, you’ll remain an emotional hostage of the affair.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
