The other day, my wife put out a cat bed on our dresser. In a short period of time, my son’s cat, Vlad, arrived and soon made use of the bed.
Vlad viewed the bed as his own personal welcome mat. It signaled to him that he’s invited and now belongs in my bedroom. He quickly made himself at home on the dresser and proceeded doing his cat things.
He stared at us as if we are now intruding on his space. After displaying a disdainful look, he proceeded to attempt scratching the wall above his new bed.
I like the cat, but never intended for him to take up residence in my bedroom. From his place on the dresser, he surveys his surroundings like a king looking over his dominion.
The whole episode struck me as similar to how some of you have put out welcome mats for problems in dealing with the affair. When you put out a welcome mat, sooner or later, the problems will arrive.
Some of the welcome mats for problems include things like tolerating the cheaters lies and manipulations. The more you tolerate them, the more there will be. It’s one thing to accept them, but another to tolerate destructive behaviors.
You may even be tolerating behaviors and attitudes that trigger reactions in yourself. Tolerating the trigger doesn’t make the triggering behavior go away. It de-sensitizes you and invites more triggering actions.
The strategy of turning a blind eye to such behavior only makes it worse. When the cheater is prone to lying and manipulating, you turning a blind eye to it is viewed as you tolerating or approving it.
They aren’t thinking straight. Assuming that they’ll begin changing their ways if you just ‘put up’ with them hurts you.
Likewise, tolerating exploitation only invites more of it. When your spouse starts making merchandise of you and images of you, it’s exploitation. You may tell yourself it’s temporary or something you have to just put up with.
Putting up with exploitation puts out the welcome mat for more of it.
These situations can be changed. It starts with you finding your voice and communicating that you will not tolerate them any longer. Setting such a boundary is essential in changing your situation.
If you don’t speak up or set boundaries, you’re putting out the bed for more problems to take up residence in your life. Once they take up residence, they aren’t easy to get rid of.
In the video, Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions, I address some of the ways of turning your communication patterns around. If you’re not sure what to say or how to say it, you’ll benefit from the material in the video.
Communication does make a difference, both in terms of what you tolerate and what you encourage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
