A few days ago, I addressed Affair Aftershock. With the response I received, I felt it was important to address the topic a little deeper.
In recovering from the affair, there will be times when you and your spouse hear each other out. Having them hear you out is something most people can handle.
The challenge comes when it’s your turn to hear our your spouse’s traumas, pain and their way of coping with them. It’s hard to hear them out when you’re still angry at them and haven’t done any forgiveness work.
At those times, your own emotions and issues keep you from seeing them clearly. It makes it hard to listen to them objectively.
On hearing them out, it’s hard not reacting with defensiveness. When you’ve been mad at them for so long, listening to their hurts and ways of dealing with it, including the affair stretches you way beyond your comfort zone.
It’s difficult considering the possibility links between the traumas they’ve experienced and their sexual behavior. You may have wanted to see the affair as something totally separate. Starting to see the link between them changes how you look at the situation.
I’m not making excuses for what they did. I am pointing out that many spouses have a hard time hearing out the cheater when it comes time for them to share their pains.
On hearing them out, you begin seeing how their series of choices happened, leading up to the affair. As I share in the Affair Recovery Workshop, this is where you start really understanding the ‘why’ behind the affair.
It’s only now that you are in a position to finally deal with those matters. Assuming the ‘why’ or focusing on it in the early stages of recovery leads to premature decisions and false closure on some important affair questions.
If you can’t hear your spouse out, you aren’t ready for answers to the why questions yet. If the two of you haven’t developed the ability to communicate with each other, you’re not ready for answers to the ‘why‘ questions yet.
In the Affair Recovery Workshop, you can learn what’s needed in turning your marriage around along with how to do it AND WHEN certain topics are addressed. You can also avoid the problems that arise when you deal with the affair issues in the wrong order.
If you wonder why your recovery from the affair is taking so long or why you still don’t feel closure or connectedness, it could be that the order in which the issues were addressed.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
