Commitment is a sensitive issue in the aftermath of an affair. The resolute partner often questions whether or not the adulterous partner is actually serious about their relationship. You need something to hold onto. You need something they can trust.
That’s where testing comes in. There is often a series of ‘testing’ that occurs. They may be conscious or unconscious tests. The testing is about discovering if the cheater is all talk or is there a serious commitment to working things out.
It is only in relationships where there’s a firm commitment that couples can begin to confront and work through issues. Healing only occurs when people feel safe and committed.
If your spouse is not committed to ‘us’ , you don’t value what they have to say to you. It is only those people who have shown commitment that we are apt to trust and seriously consider what they are telling us. Since talk is cheap, there needs to be a commitment shown in order to show that one is not all talk.
Questions often arise when I mention the ‘testing’ that occurs with commitment issues. The number and duration of the testing have a lot to do with the seriousness of the affair and believability of the partner.
When the damage done is egregious, expect a battery of tests that occur on an on-going basis. Sometimes the tests are simple tasks that examine, “Can I trust what they say?”.
The tests can become more elaborate, even to the point of someone making a pass at the adulterous spouse to see if they ‘take the bait’ or if they are going to remain loyal. I do not advocate such extreme tests.
Depending on how things go with the tests, with each successfully completed trial, some trust begins being restored.
As you go through the tests, you may need to remind yourself that this is “only a test”. As a spurned spouse you may become vengeful and may use testing as a way to punish the cheater for what occurred.
I you’re looking for more ways of rebuilding trust, consider the video ‘How Can I Trust You Again?’ which guides you through the challenges of rebuilding trust.
Best Regards,
Jeff
