My Personal Journey
When I began blogging about affairs in March of 2007, I never imagined that one day I would be writing my 2,000th post. In writing that number of posts, it has surprised me that there are so many different aspects of affairs and its impact on people.
When my family of origin fell apart after an affair, I initially ran away from the pain and unpleasantness. I did not welcome the changes that came my way as a result of the affair. At the time, I never imagined that my own experiences would ever be able to help others. I wanted to thank you readers for making the past years of blogging a fascinating, although at times soul-searching journey.
There are some who I feel need to be thanked specifically. Doug and Linda at EmotionalAffair.org. There is Cindy at AffairCare.com each provided encouragement along the way. There are also the many of you who write comments, like Zaza and BlueSkyAbove or submit questions. I know there are many more who read and continue suffering through your struggle in silence.
I wanted to do something different for the 2,000th post so I will share some other parts of my story that are not in my about section.
Beginnings in Pasadena, Texas
After an affair happened in my family and my parents divorced, I found myself broken and looking for answers. I placed a heavy emphasis on my relationships with members of the opposite sex looking for answers and escape in relationships. They answers were not there.
Next, I assisted the counselor (Marlin Lance) then working at my church. My first assignment involved finding the various definitions of love. At the time he told me that “I was further away from God than I imagined”. His statement bothered me, since I thought I had gone just a little bit astray, but not in a big way.
At that time, I continued my college education, which eventually took me into the study of psychology. My education was quite an adventure, with one of my professors eventually committing suicide and another killing his step-father with a claw hammer.
The university was a hotbed of feminism at the time, along with being a center for future studies and family therapy. The irony is that the professor involved in the killing taught stress management and the feminist professor who killed herself specialized in suicide prevention.
These incidents showed me that the many of the university psychology professors did not know how to deal with their own pain and hurt and that their approaches did not have lasting answers. A common saying used in the recovery community which applies to my university days is “Take what you need and leave the rest”.
Being exposed to the various modern viewpoints gave me some unique perspectives on family relationship issues and ways to approach them, including systems and post-modern thinking. Although there were many new perspectives, many of the answers the different influences provided did not prove to be meaningful solutions to problems.
When the professors did not have meaningful solutions to many of their problems, how could they train me to have meaningful solutions to clients when they are hurting?
Hands-On Experiences
After graduating, I worked in a local psychiatric hospital in various capacities. There I was able to learn more hands-on skills in dealing with families and couples.
Many of the counselors allowed me to watch an learn. Like an old-time apprenticeship, I learned as I went. One of them who is still around is Hank Greummer, to whom I owe many thanks.
It was during that time I met and married the love of my life, Peggy. She also has a background in psychology and has helped me developing material and resources over the years in helping others.
After five or six years, a new Christian counseling group, called Rapha came into the hospital I was at. At that time, I changed employers going to work with them. There were many wonderful counselors I worked alongside at that time and the next few years.
Many of them have since moved to other parts of the country. Each of them brought new insights and ideas on dealing with families and marriages. Some are still in private practice.
Garry Kiker shared many insights on families with me that provided some lasting answers. I spent many hours talking about my hurts and how families work with him. I also found my time with Robert S. McGee rich with insights regarding relationships and healing, especially regarding forgiveness.
As a young couple, we spent time with fellow counselor, Bill Shattuck and his wife who have since opened a retreat center in North Carolina which focuses on healing, restoration, and spiritual renewal. We also worked alongside David A. Smart, Darryl Bailey, Matt Barnhill, Robert Pace, Eric Scalise, and many others.
Since that time, many of them have taken their counseling experiences in helping others around Texas and the world. Some have since passed on like Darryl Pitts of Liberty University, Jim Mahoney and Don Rauniker.
There were times when couples and families had severe sexual issues. At those times, Dr. Harry Schaumberg was called in. Harry had worked with sexual addictions and disorders in the New York area, so he knew more in that area than I did. Although we did not have many conversations with each other, what I learned from him helped me understand more about the sexual addiction component related to affairs.
Service in Many Settings
My time in the counseling field has been in many settings, including private psychiatric hospitals, medical/surgical facilities, halfway houses, homeless shelters, drug rehabilitation facilities, biofeedback clinics, corporate level quality assurance, utilization review and out patient facilities.
From working with people in these various settings, I learned many different approaches and methods to dealing with their problems. Although many of those seeking help did not identify affairs as their main problem, it was a major issue when it happened.
As part of working in many areas, I helped with the Pasadena Independent School District’s Parent University. That led to me contributing articles to the local newspaper, the Pasadena Citizen, which began circulating them across the city.
Time for Private Practice
When the time came to go into private practice, I was able to put the many lessons I had learned into use without all the obstacles of insurance companies, hospital politics or other interference.
I also learned that it was important to work smarter, not harder. I was an early adapter in using the internet in reaching people and providing them with the help they needed. I saw the need for people to be able to access me via the internet.
Along the way, I kept a Bible where I had listed the names of those I had worked beside or with that had died. Those names reminded me that the hurts that my clients are dealing with are real along with them also being a matter of life and death. This was not a game or a scheme.
There were other therapists who helped me along the way, including Sandy Pannett. The two of us worked together with some couples and mutual consultation. Like the saying “iron sharpeneth iron”, the sharing of insights and approaches helped each of us in helping people more effectively. I was also helped by Sharon Jenkins and Patty Hewlitt.
There were not only therapists, but pastors that helped along the way as well. Among them were Randy Gilchrist, Jim Daniel, Louis Kole, and David Morgan. One of the lessons that I had learned was that no one person had all the answers.
There are times when you need the help of both counselors and pastors in dealing with issues as personal as family and especially with affairs. There are times that I found myself dealing with discouragement, temptation or just plain not seeing everything right in front of me. Between the fellow counselors and pastors, I was helped while helping.
Things went well in private practice, to the point I eventually had two offices. I also found myself spending many hours at the office. In order to balance work and family life, I had to find a better way to leverage my time. At that point, I saw the benefit of using the internet to share information with hurting couples.
I began writing and sharing more articles on affairs, addictions and recovery. People had liked the articles for Parent University and wanted more. I wrote booklets on anger and parenting, yet my heart was not into those areas as much as it was affairs.
The Global Community and Social Media
As the internet expanded, I realized I had to as well. The new options on the internet along with Social media sites provided new ways to reach people. I tried various ways of reaching out, which at one time led to me getting the infamous “Google Slap” where they de-listed my site (RestoreTheFamily.com) for several years. Through trial and error, I learned the right way to do set up sites and do things on the internet.
I learned which social media sites were best for various populations. I was also receiving requests from people around the globe for reprinting articles in circulation. I also saw the potential of telemedicine in using the internet to reach people with counseling services. Although tele-medicine is popular in some circles, there are still some debates about its use when it comes to counseling. The debates did not deter me.
I found myself working with people around the world in dealing with their marriages and affair situations. Although there are many different cultures and ways of dealing with conflicts, around the world, people want to improve their marriages. Affairs are problems, no matter what country they happen in.
It has also surprised me that the SuviveYourPartnersAffair blog has readers around the world. Presently about 2/3 of you readers are located in the United States, while the other 1/3 are international readers.
I am thankful that the lessons learned over the years are helping people around the world. Although I mentioned many people who have helped me over the years, there are many more. I want to thank them as well. They have each played a part in this venture.
Now seven years into SurviveYourPartnersAffair, and eight e-books later, I have been blessed to have seen many marriages helped through the pain of an affair. It still hurts on reading your personal stories. I am familiar with the pain.
I also know the importance of hope and having someone tell you “I’ve been there” and am familiar with the pain you are going through and mean it. I also know the importance of finding real lasting answers to the problems you are facing.
Best Regards,
