Being falsely accused of an affair is a big deal. When your spouse accuses you of cheating, things are bad enough.
When your spouse has Alzheimer’s and accuses you, it brings a sense of helplessness which magnifies the pain. The matter of false accusations is a serious one.
Making false accusations of an affair was serious enough for there to be a whole section in the Bible laying out Jewish law in addressing the matter. False accusations can be as destructive as an affair itself.
Those accusations create distance in your relationship. They create negative feelings that don’t merely fade away. Like the smell of a skunk, they linger for a period of time.
When the accusations are coming from someone you love, it feels like you have been stabbed in the back. Just making the accusations impacts the trust, lowers the intimacy, and leaves you hurt.
When you’ve been with your spouse for years, the accusations are even more hurtful. In the case of Alzheimer’s, it feels like your history with your spouse has been stolen by some unknown thief.
This situation isn’t limited to Alzheimer’s situations. In situations where there has been severe head trauma, accidents, strokes or brain infections there can be similar dynamics that occur.
In each of these, using logic or providing proof often gets you nowhere and leaves you feeling more frustrated. The person making the accusations is trusting their brain and what it tells them rather than your facts.
They trust what their brain is telling them, even when it’s not functioning correctly.
So what can you do?
Although some parts of their mental functioning is impaired, you need to remember that some of their being remains intact. For this reason, your attitude in responding to them is important.
They may not cognitively grasp what you say, yet their spirit and other parts of their soul remain intact. Those parts process information as well, although in a different manner and at a different level of awareness.
Even those people in comas have been observed responding to photos of family and loved ones. With that in mind, realize that any niceness is not wasted.
Getting angry at them and lashing out triggers strong reactions. You want to resist the temptation of lashing back at them, even though they may be saying some nasty things to you.
When you do have coherent moments with them, consider reviewing positive moments. Using photos and old music is often helpful in these areas.
This activates the visual and auditory parts of the brain in helping you override the cognitive portion.
This is not the be all and end all authoritative answer, but it will give you a starting point to re-engage your spouse.
Best Regards,
Jeff
