Although there are times that you want to control your spouse, the reality is that you can’t. The opposite of ‘they can’t control you’ is also true.
Neither of you came with a remote control with buttons to turn the power on or off or mute you at will.
What does it mean that your spouse doesn’t come with a remote control? It means that you can not turn them on or off at will.
They will not always be in sync with your schedule. It means that they run on their own schedule. They have their own set of likes and dislikes that you can’t control.
It also means that you can’t ‘mute’ them at will. Neither can you force them to talk.
It’s true that there are things you can do to help open them up or remove barriers keeping them from opening up, but even these are not instantaneous. They will talk on their own schedule, not yours.
If you want to communicate with them, you may have to adjust your schedule, rather than shut them down until it is a convenient time for you.
It also means that you can not control how they see the world. Remote controls often give you the power to change the visual images of your television. You can not change how your spouse views the world with the push of a button.
It also means that you will have to give up the expectation of instant responses from your spouse. In the culture we live in with remote controls, there is an expectation of instant results.
When you’re dealing with people, that doesn’t happen. You’ll have to give up the idea that you can have instant response, that you have the ability to ‘shut them up’ or that you can turn them off when things become unpleasant.
When you deal with humans, you are dealing with a creation, not a machine. That means you have to give up machine logic and thinking of fast response, controllability, and programmability.
If you’ve been trying to control your spouse, it’s likely that the trust in your marriage has been damaged. The video ‘How Can I Trust You Again?‘ guides you in rebuilding trust.
You can’t control them, but the two of you can learn ways of trusting each other.
Best Regards,
Jeff
