After writing to you about break-ups, it sounded logical to address reconciliation today. Although reconciliation is mentioned by many ‘affair recovery specialists’, it’s important to clarify what reconciliation is, along with the issues that come with it.
Reconciliation is the idea of coming back into a relationship with someone. The coming back can be where you finally make peace with them. Making peace with them or being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you agree with them or condone what they’ve done. It means that you are in communication and working to rebuild trust.
However, reconciliation should never be taken lightly as it is not a simple fix-all solution. It takes time, effort and patience on both sides to make it work. There are times when you wonder if reconciliation is worth it. People who decide to reconcile need to have realistic expectations of the process, especially when one partner has been unfaithful.
It’s hard reconciling a relationship where there’s been little to no connection. In those situations, you make peace the best you can. The best may be a limited reconciliation.
It’s also hard to make any kind of peace where there’s a history of domestic violence or substance abuse. The dynamics of those relationships are more akin to hostage-taking than to a healthy marriage.
Reconciling is most successful when both partners are willing to have an honest dialogue and each takes responsibility for their own actions. Each party has to clean up their side of the street.
This requires being in communication, listening to each other’s perspectives, and working through the issues together. It also requires a commitment to work on the relationship and not give up too easily when things get tough. Returning to a situation where your health or physical safety is at risk should be approached carefully until safeguards are in place. Safety is required in order to heal. You can not heal effectively when you are not safe. Both of you need safety in order to heal.
In considering reconciliation, you’ll be considering what broke the relationship along with what is needed in reconnecting. Each of you has different ideas about these areas. Reconciling with someone also involves issues of vulnerability, risk-taking, trust, and forgiveness. Attempting to reconcile just because you love them is taking a naive approach.
There’s always some risk with reconciliation. It’s not a risk-free proposition. The closer you get to each other, the greater the risks. You risk being hurt, misunderstood or even being ignored or rejected again.
It’s also not a one-time proposition. Reconciliation requires multiple attempts at being in a relationship with your spouse. It is an on-going decision to reconnect with each other.
One of the essentials of reconciling is communicating with each other. If the two of you aren’t talking with each other, there’s little likelihood of reconciliation. Communicating is much more than giving each other a piece of your mind. It involves listening, even when it makes you uncomfortable. If you can’t listen to them or they listen to you, there’s no communication going on.
At those points, the two of you are talking at each other, not with each other. When no one is listening, there’s no communication going on.
This means one of the first steps in reconnecting is opening up the lines of communication. This is where my video on “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” comes in.
How you approach each other along with the questions you ask each other make a difference. Words can be used to hurt each other or heal each other.Knowing how to approach each other and what to talk about makes a huge difference in connecting with each other.
Click and download the video today. Within minutes you can know ways of connecting with your spouse that you may have not considered before.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
