One of the areas I’ve been researching is narcissism. In doing research I read the literature, collect articles and find out everything I can on the topic.
Although my ‘narcissism’ project is a work in progress, there are nuggets I can share with you. If I can help you start understanding the threat of narcissism (selfishness) is to your marriage, it can help you make changes.
Let me start by saying that the self-centeredness that comes with narcissism is a huge factor in affairs. When one spouse puts their needs and wants in disregard of yours, then having an affair is no big deal to them. It is an entitlement.
Narcissism generally starts with a lack of empathy. A common characteristic of narcissists is that they have trouble putting themselves in other people’s shoes, or understanding how others are feeling. This can be really hurtful to a spouse because it can feel like you don’t matter.
If you feel like your spouse never takes your feelings into account, or that they always do things that hurt you without realizing it, then you might be married to a narcissist.
Another common trait of narcissists is a need for constant admiration and attention. This can manifest itself in different ways.
In such cases, you being hurt or upset is considered collateral damage. With a narcissist, if they consider your feelings, it’s only because of the discomfort they’re experiencing.
That discomfort comes from you making them aware of the pain they’re creating. They don’t want to face that reality. They don’t want to consider anyone else other than themselves.
This is why they value ‘authenticity’ in relationships over love and truth. They don’t want any truth besides their own. When they are authentically lonely or horny, that’s what’s important to them.
They don’t want true love and the limitations it brings with it. In the case of true love, they have to practice self-discipline and self-restraint. The narcissist doesn’t want limits, even beneficial ones.
They instead want to love who they want, when they want and how they want, without you or anyone else confronting them on it. Any confrontation risks triggering their wrath.
They can learn to love and to be more aware of others. They can even learn to consider your feelings.
Such changes are possible but require effort. They aren’t going to magically change without action.
Change requires action by both you and them. One action you can take is ordering and working through the Affair Recovery Workshop. Inside you’ll find ways of changing how the two of you communicate, how the two of you treat each other, and ways of re-connecting with each other in new ways.
After an affair, you need some new ground rules in your marriage, especially when you’re dealing with a narcissist. They’re on a self-destructive course and need limits. You need an awareness of what those limits are.
In the workshop, you can find ways of starting the needed changes in your marriage. Narcissism isn’t going to go away on it’s own. If anything, if left to itself, it will grow in self-centeredness and destructiveness.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
