Lately I’ve received comments on social media about trust. There have been several comments along the lines of ” Once trust is broken , everything else is lost too . Trust is so hard to get back . No trust , no respect , no communication.”
Since there have been several along those lines, the message is that this is an area needing attention.
Let me start with responding to once trust is broken, all is lost. Responses like that indicate that their sense of hope is tied in with trust.
Once the trust is broken, you may give up hope as well. There are no second chances with this kind of thinking. It’s as if saying, “Trust is broken, so we’re all doomed.”
For those holding that idea, trust for them is an all or nothing deal. It is either there or it isn’t. That kind of thinking has little to no room for forgiveness.
I don’t view trust that way. There are components to trust. Damaged trust is more about damage or immaturity in one of those areas.
In my experience, trust is still there. The amount is small and the areas where it still exists are limited. You may not trust your spouse about relationships, yet still trust them regarding the children, or some other aspect of your life.
I view trust on a gradient, rather than as an all or none proposition. The cheater is overdrawn in many areas, yet there are still some areas where some trust remains.
It’s rare that someone blows it in EVERY part of their lives. When they do, there are more serious issues than trust going on.
Some couples don’t know what trust is. They talk about it, yet when it comes to putting it into practice, the areas of control, trust, fear and insecurity blur.
For them, trust is tied more into feelings than actionable behaviors.They lost a feeling they associated with trust, so for them, it’s gone.
When you tie trust into a feeling, it becomes an all or none phenomena. In those cases, their ideas about trust are making recovery more difficult than it has to be.
Every interaction you have involves some degree of trust. There are some people you are leery of, or can only trust to a limited degree. If you don’t have any trust, there is no basis for any interaction.
The part of the comment, “No trust , no respect , no communication” is very true. When trust is non-existent, there is no basis for communication or interaction.
Even then, you’re faced with the paradox that you ‘trust them to be untrustworthy.’ It’s a twisted world when those you deem untrustworthy can always be trusted to remain that way. Even then, you begin placing some trust in them being untrustworthy.
It could be that one reason those leaving the comments don’t trust is that they don’t know what trust is. When you don’t know all the ingredients in the formula for trust, it’s no wonder that trust is a struggle.
It’s hard baking or cooking anything when you don’t have the right recipe or formula. Trust doesn’t just magically appear or disappear.
There is a formula. If the pieces are there, you have trust. When they aren’t there you don’t have a trust you can depend on.
In the video ‘How Can I Trust You Again?‘, I share this formula with you along with ways of rebuilding the trust you have.
Trust can be rebuilt. When you have the tools you need, change is possible.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
