In previous centuries, artists often used symbols embedded in their paintings as a way of conveying messages. There were symbols that communicated trust, along with those of alerting viewers to lies and deceit. Many times the very symbols used in communicating trust were inverted or placed in awkward positions as a way of proclaiming “This person can not be trusted!”
The hidden messages in their paintings often told a story about their subject that the uninformed never had a clue about. The uninformed viewer only sees the painting, the informed viewer sees the message the painting conveyed.
In a similar manner, there are often hidden messages in the communications of cheaters today. Although they work very hard at hiding what is going on, there are often messages hidden in their actions and words revealing what is ‘going on’. Some of the hidden communication is intentional and some is unintentional.
Such hidden communication is common with swingers who use code words as part of their hidden communication patterns. The code words are a way of finding out who are and who are not fellow swingers. Like the secret Masonic handshakes, the untrained ears and eyes miss the messages being sent and received in plain sight.
When your spouse is cheating, would you be aware of the hidden signs and signals that something is going on? Although denial may initially keep you in the dark, once it wears off, are you alert enough to catch the subtle cues about their actions?
If you are the cheater, you may not even be aware of the signals that you are giving off that make your actions obvious to those who know what to look for.
One of the five axioms of human communication is “you can not not communicate.” No matter how clever you think you are, there is always communication going on, transmitting to the world what actually happened. Like a pirate radio station, your choice of words, non-verbal gestures and actions send messages in all directions about what you did and think.
Are you a spouse who knows how to tune into your partner’s transmissions? Are you really able to tune in? Can you pick up on the hidden language much akin to the hidden symbols in the art of previous generations?
It could be that the MOST important question about the affair is NOT “Why?” More information and healing lies in the answer to “How did you miss the messages for so long?” Playing stupid or thinking that you were too dumb to pick on the signals is a ‘cop out’.
The MORE important question about affairs is “How did you miss the messages for so long?”
There are reasons those messages were missed. You may not have known what to look for, you may not have been ‘tuned into’ your spouse as much as you thought, or you may not have been as good a communicator as you thought. My experience is that most of you may be good at telling your spouse what you think, but that is NOT good communication. That is self-expression, not communication. Real communication is about ‘tuning in’.
I spend more time going into communication related matters and ways of ‘tuning in’ to your spouse in “The Affair Recovery Workshop“. If you want to know more about ‘tuning into’ your spouse, you will want to obtain that resource where I present the ‘SPRIG’ Principle and other tools to help you tune into their communication and symbols.
When you do not know how to tune in or pick up on the hidden messages, you are not communicating as well as you thought. You can learn how to tune in. Tuning into your spouse can be improved. You do not have to miss out on the hidden messages being transmitted any longer.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
