When you began discussing the affair with the cheater a common ploy they may use against you is substituting fairness for morality. Morality and fairness are two separate and distinct ideas. Each will take you to a different place in your discussions. Mixing them up is a big mistake you do not want to make.
Although each may use the terms ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, these terms change dramatically in terms of what they mean. In morality, right and wrong are very black and white, based on objective standards and an objective reality. When this is applied to affairs, the cheater did wrong.
Once you slip and start talking in terms of ‘fairness’ rather than morality, it is a slippery slope.
When fairness is used rather than morality, the standards become subjective. Each person decides what is ‘right’ for themselves and the marriage. It also validates emotional reality rather than an objective one. If the cheater feels they were ‘in the right’ to seek out what brings them fulfillment, then your objections to them gratifying those desires makes you ‘selfish’ by not allowing them to do what they want to do.
By shifting the focus to ‘fairness’ the cheater stepping out of the marriage suddenly becomes a non-issue.
It behooves the cheater to confuse morality and fairness. If they can get you away from morality where there are objective standards of right and wrong to fairness, they can divert you from the real issues. When they fool you into accepting the ‘fairness’ standard, it takes away all moral authority and objectivity. It also takes away the wrongness of what they did.
If the cheater is skillful with their rhetoric, once they have tricked you into discussions of fairness, they will have you feeling guilty for having questioned them about the affair in the first place. When the argument shifts to fairness, the arguments become subjective. Any rightness or wrongness at that point is based on the personal emotional experiences of each party. They can then talk about how ‘love/lust wins’ or ‘self-fulfillment’ or meaningful relationships and not feel guilty. By talking fairness, they have removed right and wrong along with the guilt that goes with it.
In fairness, right is what promotes more fairness, while wrong is what interferes with fairness. They may also talk about ‘equality’ which in a fairness mindset means that ‘anything goes’ and all parties have equal authority. This is VERY different from a moral framework where equality means equal accountability. In other words each person is entitled to be held accountable regarding their marriage vows, and as a spouse you are entitled to the rights and privileges that go with being married. Part of those rights includes the expectation that the cheater fulfill their marriage vows.
In a fairness mindset, commitment only concerns who you are committed to at that time, whether the lover or your spouse. The lover’s claim on the cheater is just as fair as yours is.
Although it may sound nice to be considered ‘fair’ by your spouse, falling for the fairness line of thinking is a losing proposition when it comes to affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
