When your spouse wants you to have an affair or swing, it put you in a dilemma, especially if your morals tell you that an affair is ‘wrong’. When those situations happen, it is not the time to analyze “Why” it is happening. The more pressing question is “How are going to deal with it?”
There are many motivations for your spouse to make such unnatural requests, and none of them are good ones. Such requests are unnatural. When your spouse requests that you violate your marital vows, there is never a good reason for it.
When such situations happen, it puts you in a bind. Since it’s an unnatural request, it puts you in an unnatural dilemma. How can you be a good spouse and deal with their unnatural request? There are no easy outs to these situations. There are no easy answers either.
What makes matters worse is that one unnatural requests leads to other unnatural requests. They will not stop with the first one. So telling yourself that is only ‘one time’ is fooling yourself.
Option #1-If you do what they want, you may be able to tell yourself that your spouse wanted you to, but deep down inside you know it wasn’t right. It also makes you feel dirty inside. By giving in, you may have bought some time, but it tears you up and makes you feel like you are going crazy. You may tell yourself that it made them happy and by making them happy, you’re a good spouse, right? So why don’t you feel good about what you did?
This first option often buys you a temporary peace, until the next request comes along. You may think that by doing it that you have something you can hang over their head by reminding them, “I did _______ for you!” It may sound good and feasible in your head, but in real life, it does not work that way.
In most cases, it has just opposite impact. Since you did it once, they use that ‘compromise’ as a button to remind you of what you did and often activate that button to get you to do other things.
Option #2–If you defy them and rebel against them, it often leads to conflicts. Conflicts with your spouse poses some problems. If you are socially isolated, a conflict with your spouse means major problems.
It means alienating yourself from your whole social support system. Rebelling against them may also up personal moral issues for you. If you believe in marriage, it is hard to rationalize direct defiance of your spouse’s wishes.
You may seriously want to stay married to them. Defying them often carries with it the risk that they will leave you. So in your mind, you face a choice of “they will leave me or I do this unpleasant thing”. Looking at the situation with this mindset takes a short-term view and blinds you to what your true options are. It keeps you blind to long-term options.
So what do you do?
Option #3-The third option is to be willing to suffer for not doing what is wrong. In this case, you choose NOT to do what is wrong. The big difference between this option and rebellion is your attitude. You are wanting to stay married, do the right thing, yet refuse to do what is wrong.This is the situation faced by Daniel, who had to spend time in the lion’s den. You may not have to face a lion’s den, but when it happens to you, it is still intimidating.
What is the wrong that they asked you to do? The possibilities include sleeping with third parties, allowing third parties to sleep with them, stealing for them, engaging in criminal acts for them or other wrong doings. Choosing not to do what is wrong has consequences as well. Like I said, there are no easy outs. This option allows you to keep your morals, keep your sanity and not rebel against your commitments.
Choosing not to do what is wrong takes moral courage. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. The more you delay, the harder it is to begin.
When the unnatural requests come up suddenly, it signals that something isn’t right. It could be an early warning sign of an affair. In those situations, the Affair Recovery Workshop will help the two of you address any issues before they become major problems.
Addressing the problem now keeps it from getting totally out of control.
Best Regards,
Jeff
