Have you ever considered the connection between “Robbery and Affairs?” You may have never considered the two having much in common. You are not alone, there are many cheaters who never thought of their affairs as robbery either. They may even think of themselves as a ‘good person’ who does not steal or rob anyone, yet they see nothing wrong about cheating.
In previous generations, there were many that saw the connection between robbery and affairs. They not only saw the connection, they were familiar with the attitude behind each. They often knew that the same attitude was lurking behind each of these acts and inside the actors.
First, consider what robbery is. For years I often confused robbery with stealing. Although both involve taking what is not yours, robbery is when force is used in accomplishing the stealing. Stealing without force is often considered theft.
When a cheater has an affair, they are definitely taking what does not belong to them. They steal affections and attention that rightly belong to you and give it to another. They may even be stealing things from the lover that do not rightfully belong to them either.
With affairs, there is often threats, force or threats of force used in the process of stealing. It may be the ‘threat of divorce’ or threat to walk out, or threat of shutting you out, or some other threat. Make no mistake, when these threats are used against you, they have a force behind them. They are NOT idle words. These words hurt and sting.
There is also the ‘force’ of secrets. Although secrets are not ‘in the open’, that does not mean that they have no power. They may threaten exposing your secrets or have their secrets surrounded by threats, be they implied or actual. Even implied threats are a force to be reckoned with. When they are used against you, there is no mistake that they are a threat.
There are some cheaters who you the threat of spiritual ‘excommunication’ as part of their routine. They threaten you with how you are not being ‘submissive’ or tell you that it is ‘God’s will’ that they cheat and that you accept it. By not accepting their cheating, they make you feel like you are alienated from God on top of all the other pain you are in.
Some cheaters may resort to physical force. They may choke, hit, shove or hold you down as they force their way upon you. Since the cheater is used to giving into their desires, when that desire turns violent, their damaged self-control may not be able to stop their impulses. They may be torn between what they want to do and what they do. This is part of their double-minded lifestyle.
When physical violence is not enough, the cheater may resort to using objects or weapons. At the mild end, these may be in the form of recordings, pictures, and embarrassing material. At the other extreme, the violence may be in the form of firearms, knives or some other sharp object. When you are dealing with someone who does not respect the boundaries of marriage, what is to stop the from disrespecting the boundaries of your physical safety?
Some of you may say, Jeff, aren’t you being extreme in what you are saying? My response is that you are unaware of just how extreme some cheaters get. You may need to count your blessings that you are not living in one of the nightmare type episodes that many of you have to live with on a daily basis.
Threats are often a powerful force when it comes to affairs and enforcing silence on you in response to the affair. Even the thoughts of those threats may be strong enough to keep you from taking action to heal your marriage by addressing the affair.
When violence has entered your marriage, there is a strong likelihood that the cheater is viewing you more as ‘property’ than as another fellow human being. The only way a mind can excuse extreme violence is when they dehumanize their victim. When they can refer to you as an ‘object’ and name call, their mind is well on its way toward the property mindset.
Rather that continue living in the nightmare, you can choose to stop the madness and heal your marriage and your life. I encourage you to start that journey today.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
2 Responses
Dear Jeff please explain to me the difference between the cheater and the lover – if someone was coerced into an affair are they the cheater or lover?
Regards your article it sounds like in an coerced affair the coercer is the cheater and the victim is the lover?
Rudy,
Thank you for writing. Your question is a good one. Although the roles of cheater and lover are clear, the role of the one who coerces and the victim are not so clear cut. You are perceptive in noticing that. The cheater is the spouse who had the extramarital relationship. The lover is the person they had the relationship with.
What muddles things is whether seduction and deception were used along with how they were used. The lover may not have known the person they were involved with was married, in which case they were also a victim. In the situations where they knew their playmate was married, the lover then becomes a ‘homewrecker’, although you could say that the cheater, with their choice to cheat also participated in the homewrecking as well.
Many times the intention of those involved and their goals are considered when it comes time to make sense of what happened. The use of drugs also enters in, since a person seduced under the influence of a ‘date rape’ drug changes things entirely. Drugs are definitely a game changer.
I often wish things were more clean cut, with clear roles and attributes associated with them. In real life the roles are not always clear cut in such a way that you can make sense out of them.