During most of their years of their marriage, Sandra and Tom had a good marriage. They shared the same goals, worked as a team and tackled the ups and downs of daily life together.
Sandra found that whenever they worked together, she and Tom were able to find some kind of workable solution to the problems they encountered.
They didn’t agree on everything, yet that was not a problem for her since the number of things they agreed on far outnumbered what they did not agree on.
This all changed when Tom cheated. When Tom pulled away from her, she thought it was something she had done. She knew things were different, and her initial reaction was that she had changed. That was before she knew about the affair.
On finding out about his affair, things changed in a big way. That pulling away now turned into a chasm. The fights became sharper in many ways. The attacks became more personal.
Tom said mean things about her, and since she was blaming herself for the distance already, his words cut deeper and pushed her away further. He even said things in public that made her feel useless and unwanted.
It seemed like the more she tried reaching out to Tom, the further away he became. It was like he was in another world. She felt kicked out of his life.
It took a while before she was finally able to make sense out of what happened. In her search for answers, she found bits and pieces of answers. One day, those pieces started coming together and she finally saw what was going on. All those weird behaviors now started making sense.
When Tom started pulling away, his focus was shifting. With the affair, he crossed the line. Not just a moral line, his thinking changed. He became more self-focused and self-oriented. He now was interested in “What’s in it for me?” It was at that point, that whatever team they had fell apart.
Although she blamed herself, it was his selfish shift that broke things down. When two people are not in the same world with the same goals, it is hard to work together. She also realized that he was the one that left their world. It was not her that was kicked out.
Sandra discovered that the heart follows the eyes and Tom’s eyes were not on her. His focus was no longer on her, or on what the two of them could accomplish. Instead it was on “Tom”.
Tom’s selfish world did not have room for Sandra. He was too caught up in finding gratification than in meeting the needs of others.
Sandra now needed ways to patch up her wounds along with trying to save her marriage. She really loved Tom, and losing him was not something she wanted. She didn’t want the affair to end her marriage.
Sandra knew that all the pieces to make her marriage work were still there, she and Tom just needed help on changing their thinking and behaviors, that they could do in the safety of their own home.
She found many of her answers in the “Affair Recovery Workshop“. Answers for how to get healing for herself and her marriage. She learned ways of getting his attention, of getting around his defenses, and ways of growing a closeness they hadn’t had in years.
The story of Sandra and Tom happens more often than I would like. In their case, Tom’s affair brought more changes than they thought it would. What may have started as looking for some spice and excitement ended up damaging their marriage, their emotional well being and the focus of their lives.
They needed a re-alignment of things in their lives. They needed to regain their focus. They knew that although the affair was over, the damage still needed repair. That repair included work in both of their hearts and minds. All the pieces were still there, they just needed help in getting them working together again.
Best Regards,
Jeff
