If you realized that you and your spouse are caught in an intimacy dance, there are things you can do to change the behavior. Once you know that there is a dance, where the two of you maneuverer toward each other, but somehow keep missing intimacy, look for the patterns. Much like dances have steps, look for the pattern. There will be a sequence of events that lead to the same dance over and over.
Once you identify the ‘dance steps’ or pattern, change something, even if it is a little thing. By making changes, it will change the outcome of the dance. Sadly, many couple go into an ‘automatic pilot’ or ‘robot’ mode which only serves to perpetuate the pattern. When couples change the dance moves, there are opportunities to break out of the automatic pilot mode. When your spouse tries to get close, allow them in. Although in the past you distanced yourself, try letting them in (assuming there are no safety issues. If your safety is in danger, you may need to maintain distance until the relationship is emotionally and physically safe once again).
As you become aware of how you distance yourself from them or how they distance their self from you, you will see other opportunities to change the dance.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
P.S. If you listened to the radio this morning, the Wall Street Journal Radio is supposed to run an interview I did for them yesterday.
