On the surface, it’s easy blaming the cheater or the lover for the affair. Although you may outwardly blame them, there’s a part of you which blames yourself for the affair as well.
This self-blame is often a mixed bag. In some cases, you wonder if you were too busy, said no to sex too many times, didm’t keep up your attractiveness, were too involved in outside activities, was physically unable to meet their needs or some other reason.
The occurrence of an affair is a time for re-evaluating many things. You re-evaluate your marriage, yourself, your values, your future, etc. In doing that re-evaluation, there’s often an element of self-blame.
Some of your friends will try comforting you with ‘it’s alright‘ type of messages and wanting to blame the affair on anything and everything but you. Such messages are intended to make you feel better.
They’re not intended to be honest, or truthful. These are just things said to get you out of a foul mood and lift your spirits. If you’re looking for those kind of mood elevators today, you’ll want to stop reading.
If you want to take an honest look at yourself, then read on.
The hard reality is that there are contributions you made to the affair. I know it sounds harsh, yet in working with couples, it was a shock to discover that in many cases, permission was given for the affair.
What really rocked my world was uncovering that in a surprising number of those type of situations, the spouse being cheated on not only gave permission for the affair, but often chose what type of person the affair would be with! This often occurred through off handed comments, catty remarks, and smart alec responses.
The comments are made in anger or jest, yet in the mind of the cheater, they’re twisted into giving them permission and direction. If you’ve made such comments, you may have implanted the messages into your spouses heart and head that led to the situation you are now facing.
It’s true that they made the choice to cheat. You can’t assume responsibility for that.
If you told them to cheat or told them who to cheat with, you may have undermined your own marriage without realizing it.
I have also seen some spouses push their partner into affairs through disrespectful and unloving acts. When you treat your spouse in such a manner, it pushes them away.
When your heart is more focused on work or career, or your family of origin, or some other interest to where that interest or activity is your main love, there is no room for a spouse. These other loves are often ‘good causes’ .
You may be doing a good thing, while pushing your spouse away. When you do so, you may excuse what you’re doing and play the martyr card, yet your ‘good cause’ became a wedge that drove your spouse away.
There are many ‘good causes’ (ministry, military service, law enforcement, government work, volunteering, teaching, etc.) yet you’ll have to ask if that cause is worth driving your spouse away.
There’s only room for one spouse in your life. Is it your good cause, or your spouse? You have to make room for a marriage in your heart and in your schedule.
What this means is that you’ll have to start making room for your spouse. You’ll have to let them into your heart, and into your life.
You’ll also have to take steps in neutralizing and rooting out any implanted messages you put in your spouse’s heart and head. You’ll have to make yourself ‘lovable’.
If you’ve been unlovable toward them, they may have taken the hint and acted on the message you sent. If you want them back, you will have to undo those things.
Making yourself more lovable may include changing the way to talk to them, making time for them, listening to them, hearing them out, sharing with them, etc. If you can handle everything yourself, they may wonder why you need them around.
People want to be needed and loved. If your spouse does not feel valued and needed from you, they may be looking for it elsewhere.
I know that this post was difficult to consider. Recovering from an affair is messy business. If you have contributed to what happened, there’s hope. In the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop”, I’ll guide you in the direction of getting your marriage back on track.
You may have used your influence in contributing to the problem, now you can influence your marriage in the direction of health.
Best Regards,
Jeff
