After writing to you in some previous emails about break-ups, it sounded logical to address reconciliation today. Although reconciliation is mentioned by many ‘affair recovery specialists’, it’s important to clarify what reconciliation is, along with the issues that come with it.
Reconciliation is the idea of coming back into relationship with someone. The coming back can be where you finally make peace with them. Making peace with them or being in relationship doesn’t mean that you agree with them or condone what they’ve done.
Let me repeat that. Making peace with your spouse doesn’t mean you agree with them.
It’s hard reconciling a relationship where there’s been little to no connection. In those situations, you make peace the best you can. The best outcome may be a limited reconciliation.
It’s also hard making any kind of peace where there’s a history of domestic violence or substance abuse. The dynamics of those relationships are more akin to hostage-taking than to a healthy marriage.
Returning to a situation where your health or physical safety is at risk should be approached carefully until safeguards are in place. One example of this is a spouse who was unwilling to reconcile after her spouse threw away her prescriptions and replaced them with libido-enhancing pills. There were some trust and safety issues going on there.
In considering reconciliation, you’ll be considering what broke the relationship along with what is needed in reconnecting. Each of you has different ideas about these areas.
Reconciling with someone also involves issues of vulnerability, risk-taking, trust and forgiveness. Attempting reconciling just because you love them is taking a naive approach.
There’s always some risk with reconciliation. It’s not a risk-free proposition. The closer you get to each other, the greater the risks. There is a greater risk of being hurt, there is a higher chance of making mistakes.
It’s also not a one-time proposition. Reconciliation requires multiple attempts at being in relationship with your spouse. It’s not a try it once and see if it works type of thing.
One of the essentials of reconciling is communicating with each other. If the two of you aren’t talking with each other, there’s little likelihood of reconciliation.
Communicating is much more than giving each other a piece of your mind. It involves listening, even when it makes you uncomfortable. If you can’t listen to them or they listen to you, there’s no communication going on.
At those points, the two of you are talking at each other, not with each other. When no one is listening, there’s no communication going on.
This means one of the first steps in reconnecting is opening up the lines of communication. This is where my video on “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” comes in.
How you approach each other along with the questions you ask each other make a difference. Words can be used in hurting each other or healing each other.
Knowing how to approach each other and what to talk about makes a huge difference in connecting with each other.
Click and download the video today. Within minutes you can know ways of connecting with your spouse that you may have not considered before.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
