The blast of cold fronts is impacting everyone in the States, except Florida. Here in Texas, one city saw the temperature drop 36 degrees in less than 20 minutes. Talk about a ‘sudden change’ and wake-up call!
The last time I focused on questions and answers, the focus was on the motives behind questions. Today, a couple more questions and answers will be examined. Typically you gain awareness of things through questions and answers. Since you’re already on the mailing list, I’ll address some of the post-D-day questions.
“My spouse refuses answering my questions about the affair. Don’t I have the right to know?”
The plain answer is yes, you have a right to know. This is part of the concept of the two becoming one that is part of marriage ceremonies. Although you have a right to know, your spouse may choose not to tell you. Just because you have a right, doesn’t mean that they will respect or honor it. By cheating, they have already shown a tendency to dishonor things.
“Is it really an affair if it never became sexual?”
This question and its variants are often used in confusing the issue and setting up arguments over what is and is not an affair.
I look at the effects of what was done and the attachments of the heart. When you focus your attention on someone other than your spouse, there are emotional attachments. These can be sexual or nonsexual. If you have an emotional attachment to someone, it is a threat to your marriage. It may not have gone any further than that, but if it did, the effects are the same.
When you fantasize, there are emotional attachments formed. Those attachments have effects on your marriage like an affair. Although technically, you may never have slept with the lover, your putting the lover first, creates what I call “Affair Dynamics”.
I have confronted pastors for having an affair with their church.
It was definitely non-sexual, yet the pastor in question was always putting the church ahead of their spouse and family. The urgent neediness of the people in the church always took precedence over what was truly important. His wife felt like she was going crazy with what she was feeling.
This can happen anytime someone puts job, career, children, crises or something else ahead of you. Regardless of whether or not there were liaisons, those messes require the same kind of emotional clean up as an affair. Trust and intimacy still require rebuilding.
If you and your marriage need some repairs, you’ll want to consider the webinar “How Can I Trust You Again?” where I cover what the two of you need to do in order to rebuild trust, including the Trust Formula. Many couples say they trust each other, yet are unaware of what it means to trust or what the components of trust are when it comes time for repairs.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
