Questions like the recent one “Is God punishing me with a bad marriage?” always pose a challenge for me. You may have asked yourself such questions at times. There are times when such questions are an expression of your frustration. At other times they are a sincere search for answers.
So my first response is often “Do you really want an answer to that?” When I respond that way, people are often surprised and startled. So I pose that to you. “Do you really want to know the answer?”
First, in asking such a question, there are two presumptions being made that you have to examine. The initial presumption is concerns your image of God.
You have to consider how big your God is and what is his nature?
When you ask whether he is ‘punishing’ you, the image you have of God is one that includes “punishment”. Although you use the term punishment, you may be confusing that with ‘revenge’ or ‘payback’.
By its very nature, punishment is used as a motivation in shaping your behavior. Punishment is designed to steer you in the direction of good behavior.
If the discomfort of your bad marriage is a way of steering you toward a ‘better’ marriage, is that a ‘bad thing’? It conveys a message of hope.
It conveys the message that your marriage can change and is in the process of being changed. Typically when you ask the question, you don’t have a sense of hope or change.
When the question is being asked, it’s often from a position of hopelessness and being trapped. Sadly, when your whole mindset is one where you believe you are trapped and helpless, your problem is not “God”, but rather your own nihilistic outlook on things. Viewing your own marriage as a hopeless trap is a pretty nihilistic mindset.
You also have to examine what your idea of marriage is, including the purpose of marriage. Do you view marriage as a relationship that is supposed to make you happy?
Is marriage about always having companionship?
Is marriage about having sex when and where you want it? or is your view of marriage as a relationship where you raise up godly seed?
Your answer to what marriage means to you has a big influence on how you answer the original question. If you don’t have a clear idea of what you marriage means, then you would not know a ‘good one’ from a ‘bad one’.
You may know that you feel miserable and are unhappy in your marriage. That may be a signal that you need some clarity on what you are expecting from marriage and what your spouse is expecting from marriage.
I am also struck by such a question being asked at a site that focuses on dealing with affairs. Is such a question a statement of frustration to the point where you are considering an affair?
Did your spouse use an affair as their attempt at healing something in your marriage? Is your definition of a ‘bad’ marriage one that includes an affair?
An affair is a symptom that things are unhealthy and need serious help. Some bad choices are being made, and needs are not being met. So when you make some bad choices and do not meet needs, does it make you bad?
It may mean that you don’t know what you are doing or that you need some help in getting your needs met. It may mean that you need help in discussing your needs with your spouse.
There are also the theological issues of whether you are experiencing ‘punishment’ or if what is going on is a matter that your marriage is no longer being blessed like it once was. The removal of blessing and being under punishment are different matters that each require different answers.
What you consider a ‘bad marriage’ may actually be you or your spouse making a bad choice for a marriage partner. You may have had wrong motives when you were looking to get married.
The present relationship is often a product of choices you and your spouse have made on the way to where you are now at.
Let me put it simply “Bad marriage = Bad choices + Time“. This is the formula for a bad marriage. If you make bad choices and continue doing so over time, you’ll eventually have a bad marriage.
I use this formula since many bad situations in marriages got that way by one or both of the spouses allowing the small problems to metastasize to the point where they are overwhelming. So when the ‘bad’ of the marriage is more than you can handle, it could be that you and your spouse allowed it to get that way by not taking action when you could have.
Trying to blame God for allowing you to make bad choices is a common ploy. If you’re hard headed, you may have broken through any relational roadblocks along the way.
It could be a matter that God has allowed you to experience the consequences of your bad choices and not be a matter of punishment at all. Assuming that He is punishing you by allowing you to experience the consequences of bad choices is more than likely ‘stinking thinking’ on your part, not a punitive act on His part.
Best Regards,
Jeff
