Once an affair is discovered, there’s a mad scramble to ‘blame and shame’ someone. With the ‘disclosure’, the cheater experiences relief.
They no longer have to keep the affair a secret. All the pressure and secrecy about their lives is no longer needed. For them, it is a relief.
For their spouse, the pain begins. As the pain begins and increases, they desperately want someone to ‘blame’. Someone has to be the ‘bad guy’ in the whole mess.
In your search for the bad guy, you may end up blaming everyone, including God and yourself. In some cases, if you can’t find a bad guy, you may end up making yourself the bad guy.
There’s something inside that just can’t accept “It just happened!”
Let’s assume that you find the real bad guy. Now what? Once you have blamed them, has anything changed?
Once you confront them or call them names, has anything changed?
In many cases, nothing has changed other than the level of tension is higher than it was before. You may feel a little relief at having blamed them for the affair, but that is not enough to stop it or make changes.
Piling on heaping amounts of shame may make you feel a little better, but it does little in changing things. When a cheater has become hard hearted, shaming them often doesn’t impact them.
A little bit of shame goes a long way. Sure, the cheater should be ashamed of what they did. The shame they need should come from inside of themselves rather than you imposing on them.
If you are their conscience rather than allowing their conscience to work, there’s problems.
It’s only the spouses whose hearts are sensitive that respond to being shamed. The problem there is that once you pile on the heaping mound of shame, it overwhelms them and often breaks that sensitive heart that you claimed that you wanted.
You end up killing the responsiveness that you were wanting.
Let’s get back to the question of ‘Now What?‘ Instead of choosing to shame them into doing what you want them to do, consider your other options.
Are you out to punish them? If you are, who made you the punisher?
If you assume the role of the punisher, will your spouse want to be with you? Marriage is between two equals?
When you are the punisher and your spouse is the victim, your marriage has become a sado-masochistic tryst based on each of you enjoying the pain inflicted on the other along with the control games that go with it. Such pain-swapping can become an unhealthy gyrating cycle of pain which becomes dysfunctional.
Back to the question of ‘Now What?‘ You may need to consider OTHER options. …
One is choosing to make your marriage better.
One is to forgive and let go.
One is living with the limp.
The bottom line is, blaming and shaming aren’t going to accomplish what you assume they will.
With some of the other options, some of you don’t know where to begin doing them. At the support community at Restored Lifestyle, you’ll find forums to discuss matters along with videos on forgiveness, affair relapse, affair trauma and more.
Best Regards,
Jeff
7 Responses
Jeff, thank you for exploring this subject in more depth. I believe what you have written in these posts about blaming is just the tip of the iceberg as far as being able to recover from the trauma of infidelity. If we are to learn from this experience we need to take off the blinders and be willing to see it from more than just our own perspective. There is always more than one side to a story.
blueskyabove,
Thank you for the encouragement. Blaming is often just the tip of the iceberg and the start of soul-searching, accountability and healing. Going through the process is unpleasant as we each struggle with vulnerability, fears of rejection, difficulty admitting our needs and coming to grips with honesty on many different levels.
I did my best over the previous 2 1/2 years before my W moved out. I didn’t rub her face in the mud over her affairs, but even a comment about any actual items that i felt needed to be discussed were taken as blaming snd shaming, or in her words, shredding her apart. It seemed like a no win situation.
Ed,
Thank you for joining us. Your comment did not make it clear what you were asking. I do know that it often takes more hurt for the wife to leave the home than for the husband to do so. The attachment that each have to the home is quite different. In my experience, I have seen husbands drive their wives out of the home with an overemphasis on sex, not allowing the wife to express herself in the decoration of the home, not connecting with their wife, not valuing her opinion, not opening his heart to her and with his wife’s housework never being good enough. In each of these cases, the husband did not address the affair, yet his other actions were filled with messages of rejection. Given the raw state of emotions that occur with affairs, rejection may be taken as a type of shaming.
Ed so sorry for your situation . I will agree with the items listed by Jeff …also I will acknowledge that those of either gender in this day and time if they will not equip themselves with the knowledge of how they are vulnerable to the destructive perspectives of the world then they are going to suffer do to as God has said ‘ MY people are DESTROYED for lack of knowledge’ we cannot rely only upon what others say …or the church …but our need is to GO TO THE one who made ALL things.
I was listening to Ken Ham as he exposites the way that the Bible has been undermined and I believe he has spoken well on those things anyone who has been seriously invested in learning from the Lord while examining all things claimed regarding HIM and all that scripture says …has been indeed the experience we have in this world
Compromise of all that is true and foundational has set up many to accept so many lies….
We do not take ANYONE’S Word for what GOD has said …and to learn that takes an attitude toward His word as we read to be aware we do not always have the understanding of what God says by way of what we think we know…What HE does as we continue and pursue with the idea that HE WILL supply understanding as the word is taken in and allowed to accumulate and build in us ..that we WILL be brought TO understanding …it is what I have experienced over the years I have been at this task…Over 45 years since I started a serious search of all that He said and then comparing what others had to offer …to learn IF it is confirmed withing HIS testimony.
Today we are often just too impatient to have ALL the knowledge and understanding NOW rather than honor God by way of ‘continuing ‘ in the Word He had written by men faithful and set apart to write what was inspired and then watched over by the Author…..
Do then when we toss the manual how can we expect to function rightly in the life that GOD did not leave us without instruction in righteousness….right living .
Your best bet to understand and perhaps reconcile in my view is to go after the God who sent His Son whose life was responsive to the spirit of GOD through his knowledge of the scriptures which served to be the ‘voice’ of GOD and direct HIM for our sake ..to the cross to take upon himself the judgment from GOD UPON SIN …for SIN requires judgment …so WE may be released from the prison of sin and death and the power it exerts upon our fleshly minds to obey sin .
In Christ we may learn , grow and deny the urge to sin and we may learn to live in a most effective way HERE and on into eternity.
Even though we have not realized what we did not know …we may LEARN and change how we think and then how we live.
Despite our losses ..YOUR losses God has the healing balm of truth to bring peace with HIM even if we have no peace with those who choose sin ….for whatever
reason’ they may have come up with .
I pray your heart will be open to the things of GOD which will guide you into all things pertaining to life and godliness which will sustain you no matter what else happens in this life.
Winning back a person by mechanisms is not the same thing as a person who becomes reconciled to GOD and walks in truth caring most about living in a way that pleases GOD will bring about the ability to love in all the ways that work well in relationships of every kind but most importantly within the ones closest…And God told the HUSBAND to make his wife the first priority …Even to the leaving of his previously most important one with his parents…TO CHANGE priorities ..thus all that Jeff has spoken is not in any way a BLAME upon you but a REASON for the way people’s lack of understanding of the way God’s ORDER and PRIORITIES and how they apply to the different JURISDICTIONS of our lives would simplify HOW we function.
Humanism has laid responsibility for each person upon ALL people ..this is not according to the testimony of GOD …to ‘be your brother’s keeper’ is still true but within the context of serving and functioning properly within the jurisdictions GOD has set as first and foundational
That foundation is the one we have with God through Jesus Christ
And secondarily with our spouse when married
IF not married then EVERY OTHER person is someone who IF NO ONE”S SPOUSE is to be treated as a SISTER or BROTHER.
Sex outside of marriage is indeed OUT of ORDER …it is to use something ‘good ‘ in God’s design in a way that is ILLEGAL and outside the protective boundaries of marriage
Marriage if treated like just a THING instead of a venue to grow and mature in serving one other person then it begins to break down.
God has many instructions to all mankind …male , female, children but those things that are SPECIFIC to husbands are not transferable and they are FOR HIS OWN GOOD and SATISFACTION just as those instructions specifically to wives are ..
I suggest you seek these specific instructions that are not gender neutral but are those things a man needs to consider to ‘open the treasure ‘ that his wife is …over time learning to ‘live with your wife in an understanding way ‘ will bring about many awesome blessings …Until a man does this she will not be ‘seen’ in all her glory as GOD would intend ONLY HER husband to see.
This is one of the secrets that people have not been taught by media or society ..it is the secret of how to live with a spouse in marriage for a lifespan of growing up and a deeper appreciation not just of the spouse but of God who intended this to function in this way in our appraisal of Him.
Dismissal of the Biblical truth has brought about a low view of all aspects of life…heard it and seen it in every person I have known in my lifetime who discarded the Word of GOD or added or took away from scripture …either practically or scriptural which is a big deal in today’s post christian effort to deny the singular truth of the God of the Bible,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dmgs4a-Gbrc&feature=endscreen
Good to take time to listen …then go search out to see if it is so……I found it stimulating
I think while the cheater continues to cheat, he/she justifies his/her behavior by blaming the victim spouse for perceived offenses. When the affair is discovered, the cheater has to realize how to become the one to blame, which transition may be terribly difficult. I was the victim spouse that had to fight for my right to blame and not to be blamed. This arguing damaged me more than the awareness of the physical acts that betrayed me.
Stormy,
Thank you for sharing that. The blame often occurs in a back and forth manner. Each side justifies what they did. This makes for some passionate arguments, with little forward progress being made, since each are very entrenched in their position. Moving past the blaming is a tough but necessary step. One of the hard realities is that each party has a reason for doing the blaming they are doing. You may not agree with them, yet there is some logic to what they are doing. Healing comes when everyone realizes that the other party is not crazy. That they have their reasons for doing what they did. Being able to hear them out is often tough, real tough. Although it is difficult, listening and taking responsibility is the way to break through the blaming.