I was recently told that if there was a way to ‘get back at a cheater‘ without ruining the relationship, people would want to know how. The statement stupefied me for a moment. It blew my mind that there is an interest in finding a way to inflict pain without the consequences. I thought to myself, “Hey, didn’t that line of thinking of doing things without consequences get you into this mess in the first place?” It made me realize that desiring to engage in actions (be it punishment or cheating) without consequences is a root problem shared by many couples. That same logic is used by alcoholics who engage in irresponsible choices and never consider the consequences. They just “do it” and magically hope that everything will turn out alright. It is another example of self-gratification without consequences.
I recognized the twisted logic of how a husband and wife are constantly trying to out-maneuver each other finding ways to gratify their own selfish desires, and avoid any consequences for either themselves or the relationship. They want to dance and not pay the fiddler (they also want to dance a lot!). It is magical thinking! They want an Magic Eraser that wipes out the ill effects of all their bad choices.
Imagine for a moment, a world of actions without consequences. People would engage in all kinds of selfish behavior knowing that there would be no punishment or consequences. People would treat others any way they wanted and think nothing of it.
I realized that we need the consequences. We need the pain. It reminds us that we need each other. We need a world where there are consequences in order to treat each other better. I don’t like the pain either. It’s constant presence gets old. The haunting memories are ugly scars. The guilt of past action is hideous to consider. I also know that if it wasn’t there…I would probably do something foolish and stupid again. It reminds me that we live in a world where there are consequences, that my actions do impact others, that the actions of others impact me.
Rather than find a magic eraser, I realized I needed to learn how to live with my own pain and learn the lessons it is trying to teach me.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
