One of touchy topics that comes up with affairs is handling conversations with the lover. When you discover the affair, one of the temptations you’ll face is contacting the lover (or the popular term, ‘AP’).
You want to have a talk with them about what happened. In some cases you may even want to threaten them.
I consider this a touchy topic in that one answer doesn’t fit all affair situations. As a general rule, I discourage you having conversations with the lover.
I have seen some situations where it helped, yet most of the times, it brings more damage than healing.
First, if you’re going into with the expectation that a reasoned talk between adults will resolve things, you’ll be disappointed. Since the affair hasn’t been a reasoned choice, it’s unrealistic thinking that something you say will suddenly make it reasonable.
The relationship has been driven by passion and lust, not reason.
If you go into it with the expectation that you’ll just give them a piece of your mind, you may feel good after venting, but it doesn’t mean that they listened to you. The more passion you pour into the lover, the more power they will have in the whole affair drama.
They may even view your talk as a threat and react with hostility.
Secondly, when you attack the lover, even verbally, it puts the cheater in a position where they defend them. This starts a dynamic of high drama games. You, the lover and cheater get sucked into a vortex of conflicts.
When the lover has a long history with the cheater, such as an ex or an old lover, the conflict intensifies further.
It’s never a good sign when the lover calls you. One reader described her experience, “She called me and wanted to talk. I talked to her and it was horrible. I just replay things she told me and things I wish I could of said. I have so much anger towards both of them.”
Thirdly, when the lover calls, they have an agenda. Even when it looks like they’re leaving the relationship, their call is filled with emotional time bombs that end up sabotaging your marriage or destroying what’s left of your peace of mind.
They intentionally say things that at some level keep a connection between them and the cheater. They see it in terms that a negative connection is better than no connection.
These are just some of the complications that arise from contacting the lover. Extracting yourself from these situations is not easy.
This is where membership in the Restored Lifestyle membership site helps. There, you’ll find others who have faced similar situations, like yours. You can learn what options you do have and ways of navigating through the dangers of contacting the lover.
The situation gets even trickier when lawyers are involved. At that point, there are legal restraints on who you can talk to. You can also be assured that what you say and do is being documented.
When you talk with the lover, you open yourself up to a whole world of hurt. Rather than expose yourself to those dangers, consider your other options.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
