During recovery, you’ll encounter some people who sincerely believe that “Everything can be settled by just forgiving the cheater”. This approach presents forgiveness as a panacea. It’s presented as something that will fix everything, like the superglue of relationships.
The Beatles succeeded in sending the message “All You Need is Love!” Although love is important, relationships need more. If you subscribe to the “All You Need is Forgiveness!” mindset, you’re in for some surprising revelations.
The simple answer to the question, “Are all things settled by just forgiving?” is “NO“. Forgiveness does not set everything right. It’s not going to fix all the wrongs in your marriage.
Forgiveness helps, but there’s more that you’ll need. Besides forgiveness you’ll need accountability. If you’re like most people, you may have assumed that forgiveness covers all wrongs and that no further mention of the affair occurs. This is a misconception. Forgiveness is about not paying them back or punishing them for the affair. Forgiveness doesn’t erase accountability. Holding the cheater accountable for their actions is a requirement for recovery.
Being human, it’s easy going overboard with accountability to where it spills over into revenge. You’ll have to guard against that. Guarding against the desire for revenge may mean that you’ll need to forgive again if you veer into that.
Taking steps preventing future affairs is also part of accountability. Part of taking steps involves creating a relapse prevention plan. The webinar on affair relapse in the resource section goes into greater detail on makign such a plan.
Forgiving the cheater too soon is also problematic. Very often, you’ll be tempted to forgive in order to reduce the emotional tension or reduce false guilt. When you’re not clear on what you’re forgiving, you’re not ready to forgive.
Although forgiveness heals many things, when done too early or without accountability, it actually hinders the healing part of recovery.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
2 Cor 7:11 For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.
All the forgiveness in the world without repentance fails to bring about the changes hat benefit the person who has sinned and does not help the relationship
God has made forgiveness available to all who ask ….as Christians we find ourselves needing forgiveness and it has been made available to all who are in Jesus Christ
In Jesus Christ we begin to understand the depth of damage sin does to us and our own lives as well as the way it is the wrong way to live in relationships …with even God
I forgave my husband from the earliest affair we had when I had our first child…but I failed to understand how there was a need for us to learn how there was more needed
My husbands way of “dealing” with things he did not like was not to go to find out how to live rightly ….he took the other way…to continue to re define anything he did not like
He wanted toive like a single man while presenting himself as a good family man and husband
His solution was to find women who would agree to be involved and even have children with a married man
Sadly today there are many
Jealously is understood as a “bad” thing….it has been said Oprah decided to turn from the God of the Bubke because she read where it is written God wS jealous for his people
Protective ownership is one of the truths of Gods definition of how a husband and wife maintain their one flesh relationship and protect their love for one another…honor God and love their children
Select for Copy; Double click to (de-)select all1Co 6:19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
Today this is scorned
My daughter pointed out that this type of ownership is not the same as selfishness ….when someone steals what belongs to another ..it is stealing and even prison worthy
Gods word even says this:
2 Cor 6:20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.
In marriage ….
1 Cor 7:4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
Independence is the idea today that all boundaries are null and void
Sin kills and destroys but many times people are deceived to think that it just “happens” and they cannot do anything to avoid it
We may be born as children of Adam and as such we have a sin nature to deal with
Jesus paid in full for our sins but to avoid the tragic consequences to hearts of those we love as well as our own soul sin can and miust be guarded against
It’s hard to convince people of this before the fact and if they see no value in fidelity
Today’s world mocks loyalty to spouses and scoffs at virginity and fidelity
Interesting though how people expect honesty and loyalty in their doctors….judges….and teachers…..but even seeing those areas of our culture are now seen with suspicion…character development has been replaced by dogmatic political correct nonsense
2 Cor 7:11 states the list of indications one should notice or seek to experience when sorrow which results in godly repentance…a change of mind which results in an ongoing change of behavior
So much of life hinges upon making choices
World view determines how much we care about our choices and what effects it may have on others even if one thinks they themselves are going to be able to win and come out of it without suffering any damage
James 1:15 Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.
Your mention of godly repentance is key. Yes, there is often a regretting of what they have done, but that is not repentance. These days, few people know the differences between repentance and forgiveness.