Most of you who are familiar with firearms safety know the importance of keeping your finger off the trigger. I have friends who have conniptions when they see television shows or movies where the characters run around with their fingers on the triggers of their firearms. Anytime they see this infraction, they immediately launch into a firearm safety lecture.
In fact, keeping your finger off the trigger is the NRA’s #2 gun safety rule. I mention this because the same safety rule applies to emotional triggers as well. In some ways, it is common sense, even when it comes to affair recovery triggers.
(I will go ahead and use the term ‘affair recovery triggers’ although the idea applies to both recovery from the affair AND affair relapse. Triggers are involved in each case, yet what gets triggers and how the triggers are dealt with are different. I also want to add that a ‘trigger’ is different than taking offense. Some of the misunderstandings about emotional sensitivity has blurred the lines between triggers and taking offense).
When your finger is on the trigger, all it takes is being jostled or bumped for your finger to activate the trigger. When the trigger is activate, it ‘turns on memories and reactions in your brain and body associated with the affair.
When it comes to emotional issues, the phrase “wearing your feelings on your shoulder” is often used in describing those with heightened sensitivity, I find that the finger on the trigger is more descriptive when it comes to affair recovery.
After you have been through an affair experience, your emotions are often raw. If the experience was one that is considered traumatic, the damage to the emotions is more widespread and ‘more raw’ if that is possible. The problem with the trauma is that emotional recovery is often hindered by the brain chemicals released and changes in brain function they produce (I go into greater detail about what happens in the Affair Trauma webinar).
When your emotions are raw, they easily react to any threat or perceived rejection. It is as if your personal emotional radar has the sensitivity setting readjusted to “hyper”. This readjustment is a natural part of healing. You were hurt and your body is protecting itself. It will be important to separate out ‘taking offense’ from actual triggers.
Taking offense is using your tension and pain to unleash on others. It is as if you are looking for something to set off your anger. Taking offense is more of a trip wire than a trigger. A trigger activates the emotions, memories and sensations related to the affair.
The challenge is that in everyday living, you will be exposed to emails, commercials, movies, songs, etc. that can trigger emotional reactions. When your finger is on the ’emotional trigger’, the likelihood of that is even greater.
So, how do you take your finger off the trigger?
In my thinking your finger is on the trigger when you personalize anything you are exposed to. When you take what you are exposed to, and personalize it, many items that were not meant as a threat or directed at you, suddenly become threats.
Approach each item with an open mindset. By ‘open mindset’, you realize that it can be taken more than one way. A closed mindset is when you decide it is directed at you and a threat to you. You decide that there is not other way it can be taken or viewed.
Consider asking yourself “Can this be taken another way?” or “If the local eyewitness news crew were here filming this, what would it show?”. These questions will slow down the reaction process of your brain. When the reaction process is slowed down, it allows your brain to do more problem solving.
When your brain is problem solving rather than reacting, your finger is off the trigger.
This should get you started with the practice of getting your finger off the trigger.
Best Regards,
Jeff
