Affairs often arouse your your anger to the point where you are unable to talk in a civilized manner, unless you are making reference to barbarian civilizations. On seeing the cheater, the anger may take over. It is not by accident that you hear references to ‘blind rage’. When anger takes over, it wants satisfaction, which often means taking it out on someone. In most cases, it is the cheater, although it may be the lover.
Anger is one of those feelings that causes your mind to ‘jump in the backseat’. When it takes over, the anger literally takes the wheel from your control.
If you are one of those who have struggle with such strong passions, like anger, what can you do?
There are several things you can do.
- Breathe. As simple as it sounds, when anger takes over, there is often a phenomena some call dragon breath. Although some video games and ammunition products have the same name, that is not what I am referring to. I am referring to the rapid shallow breathing that often occurs when you are angry. You want to slow your breathing down. When you are not breathing correctly, your brain is not getting the oxygen it needs to function correctly. Take a breath, then speak. If necessary, take more than one deep breath.
- Sit down. Being seated lessens the possibility of violent reactions. The simple act of sitting down can reduce the possibility of violence from happening. Since being angry always has a risk of violence, whatever you can do that reduces the risk of violence is good.
- Try sitting down at a table across from each other. Putting an obstacle like a table between the two of you helps create a sense of safety, along with being a barrier for a passionate person to unleash.
- Think before you speak. Getting in the habit of saying the first thing that pops into your head often gets you in trouble. When dealing with an affair, you need to think about what was just said before reacting. If your mind is busy coming up with responses all the time, you are not listening. Thinking allows you to gather your thoughts.
- Limit the time of the ‘talk’. There is nothing wrong with putting a time limit on the time you spend trying to talk. Most of the problems occur when you try to do it all at once or have passionate discussions without any time limit. It is important to give yourself permission to address the issues a little at a time, rather than assume you have to ‘hammer it out’ in one sitting.
- If you are too angry to talk, be okay with it. You may have to detoxify your anger before sitting down to a serious discussion about the affair.
These suggestions will get you started. There are other things that you can do, some of which I go over in the Affair Recovery Workshop. Since communication is so critical, you will want to have some solid ways to communicate with your spouse without your anger keeping them from hearing the main message.
When your anger becomes more important than your message, communication starts breaking down. They may start reacting to your emotions rather than hearing what you are saying. Remember most of your message will be the non-verbals. If your non-verbal is filled with anger, that is all your spouse will hear.
Best Regards,
Jeff
