There are times during the recovery from an affair that you do not have the answers. Not only do you not have answers, your friends and others do not have the answers you are looking for either. Not having answers does not mean that the situation is hopeless. The answer may be a need for time to heal, time to allow other things to work, time to develop support, time to allow the feelings to sink in. Although your pain seems like a bottomless pit, that goes on forever, the pain will eventually fade and finally end. The pain does not go on forever, unless you make the choice of holding onto it for years. One wife I met held onto the pain of her husband’s affair for the rest of her life, dying a bitter woman. Her choice of holding onto the pain did not bring her husband back, it did not give her power, it did not give her control, it only rotted her out emotionally.
The time of no answer does not mean that there is no healing or change taking place. Inner changes are often slower in coming than the external ones. The time may be God’s way of allowing someone else to minister to you with kind words or reaching out. God has ways of using your pain in other people’s lives. Nothing is ever wasted.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
One Response
Oh there are plenty of ‘answers’ ….I just don’t like them . I had hope in the prospect of our marriage being healed …which as I understand it takes MORE than TIME …..it takes willingness on the part of BOTH to not only want it ..but hope in it enough to make effort to learn …to apply what is learned and to continue to want to be in what marriage is …relationship.
I agree that I do not want to ‘rot from the inside’ as you point out sorrow can do ….sorrow that does not turn to the Lord for truth and then strength to walk on through life despite the losses and disappointments.
There are disappointments plenty to go around are there not? through disppointments we learn how much we love and trust in the Lord to provide despite how others fall short.
The sin of adultery is nothing the Lord is unable to heal within those willing to allow application of His way to our situation.
You are right about it taking ,…and more time than I would have imagined….so much for ‘vain imaginations’ eh?
Recently I had a physical injury ..I remarked as time went by …I had thought it would heal a lot faster..
Well …the reality is that it takes as long as it takes…..our ‘time table’ to escape pain and suffering does not mean GOD has not done his part or isn’t doing HIS part.
BUT in this life we also have a ‘part’ in all of our challenges …We have the opportunity to take part in healing or continuing on our way to pursue pleasure and ‘free’ offerings to escape the process necessary to heal and reconcile…this is true in my experience of the process of our relationship with the Lord
For those who do not WANT a relationship with the Lord I feel it is just that they do not realize the depths of what it can mean to their life.
But it does boggle the mind for those who observe a lifetime of people who have made good choices to learn to change and avoid sinful choices and the better outcome but STILL DECIDE to make the choice to continue to follow their own methods of living …by feelings , emotions and appetites that serve their selfish desires at the expense of others
Perhaps this is the definition of not just insanity but ‘bondage to sin’ …
In my situation I observe that no matter what kindness and righteousness my husband has seen , received and experienced he STILL insists upon rejecting any lordship other than his own intellect and social skills to engage people and make a ‘good’ impact upon others.
This must have been the great sorrow of our Lord as he came to reach out to us and found few interested or loving Him enough to follow him …denying self …taking up their cross daily …to follow Him in the Way that HE has made for whomsoever to be delivered from the ‘hamster wheel’ of fleshly ‘fixes’ and worldly ‘solutions ‘ which are only ‘escapes’ to soothe rather than deliver from all kinds of challenges we face in this world.
I agree that we do not want to continue forever in a state of sorrow and wounding from adultery and such …the WAY is not in escape but in allowing the Word to ‘transform us ‘ from within ..as we have the word ABIDE in us and then we ABIDE in it
I am not sure that this means NO sorrowful perspectives…as Ecclesiastes says:
Ecc 1:18 For in much wisdom [is] much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.
Learning the truth may make us free …free from deceptions if we are willing to “hear’,,,but having eyes to see the truth about our world and the reality of even our own weaknesses is sorrowful …We having been under the impression that we were much better people !
The true state of our heart …with that big BEAM of deception is to be addressed but having seen it and dealt with it according to the Lord also leaves us with the obligation to note and even WARN anyone with the same beam …”Hey ! That thing is going to kill you!”
This information is not always welcome.
Knowing the truth about our state is painful ….but along with that we realize and become even MORE thankful for the RESCUE mission that our Lord made …coming to offer freedom FROM the things that draw us in through his spirit and the knowledge of what IS …and what is available to avoid such deadly and horrific situations to live intentionally a life that is “more than abundant’
I think many of us would appreciate a life just free from the painful reality of having trusted in lies….the resulting destruction is hard to bare.
I think that is one of the reasons that the Devil delights in lies…and getting people to live IN a lie …the pain is worse in things we have trusted to be honest and true…especially a spouse we have trusted to love us too much to cheat .
Despite the discovery …I try to think of it as my husband’s opportunity to repent and follow after the rescuer from the pit of sinful choices he has made by his own industry …and for me …the opportunity to seek more about WHAT my own response and activity should be under the lordship of my Lord who is FOR my good despite the harsh reality I now live with .
Ultimately the pain is not as frequent but is IS ever present.
I have been brought to see that NO person is going to be ‘valued’ enough by another for them to make the kind of changes that are necessary within …other than Jesus Christ ..
If HE does not seem worthy for someone to make those changes in attitude and will ..then how do I think I …in my own person would be ‘enough’ reason to cause this kind of deep inner change of attitude?
I believe that unless a person has a DEEP conviction that causes them to turn to seek out all aspects of why they did what they did …and how to escape by way of putting OFF old ways and putting ON a whole new mind and attitude…the ‘changes ‘ will not ‘hold’ ..the surface ‘performance’ may for a while ..but the tests of what has been a true change will continue and the depth of conviction and conscience will be exposed.
The actions around here indicate just what his words have confessed…He does not believe he can change …he does not believe that there is any reason to hope for changes that would help HIM as well as all those he says he loves…So he has made little effort to DO what is needed in terms of learning what is available for help.
This has hurt me as well as our family . His staying but refusing to make any effort to learn how to make the kinds of changes that would be useful and lasting …in other words ..He refuses to allow ANYONE to teach , or lead him at all ..not even the scriptures …
it is interesting that as I share things about how the Lord has been correcting my own paradigms he has listened …seemed to be more peaceful …but shortly after he ‘snaps back’ into his depression and rejection of any hope .
I do not check up on him or seek to follow his tracks as some do to their own frustration and sorrow.
I have to live following my Lord in all that I am aware of that I am supposed to do. I do not meddle but my husband knows now that he can share anything with me …I try to offer a listening ear and if asked some wisdom as it arises regarding his various ongoing troubles and situations. I offer him what I have been given
1Cr 2:12 Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the spirit which is of God; that we might know the things that are freely given to us of God.
I have had to live by this since I have not ‘memorized’ scripture directly but simply followed the command to ‘eat the bread of life daily’ and asked the Lord to bring to mind whatever was what was useful to confront ME and to provide testimony to anyone who is in my path.
Matt 10:18 And ye shall be brought before governors and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them and the Gentiles.
19 But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak: for it shall be given you in that same hour what ye shall speak.
20 For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father which speaketh in you.
This is how I have gone along …this does not always meet with acceptance or joy ..but never the less I give what has been brought to mind .
It has made an interesting life.
I also have gone into situations in the past that taught me that I must heed the WISDOM …hahaa…early on in my walk I used to go into situations ‘fearlessly’ which turned out to be ‘foolishly’ …but we learn as we continue on with seeking out truth.
Many people give the ‘excuse’ that they feel justifies their rejection of the Lord and His word offering examples from the lives of people who are endeavoring to follow the Lord who are GROWING …
The lie that we suddenly gain all knowledge or a perfect ability to walk perfectly is not demonstrated in ANY aspect of this life…Jesus always used the material world to demonstrate to people the truths of spiritual life..
Growing and maturing is also a truth about following Him
Those who seek to do their own will and deny the Lord like to excuse their lack of willingness and obedience toward GOD by way of siting the ‘failures’ of others who claim Jesus Christ as Lord but whose lives demonstrate this maturing process.
There ARE indeed some who claim His name with NO intention of following Him and they too are accepted as ‘reason ‘ for the rejecters of the Lord to walk their own way.
Having witnessed this aspect …of those who enter into an IDENTITY to try to besmirch the reputation of the Lord …I affirm this tactic of many …even in politics we see this counterspy sort of behavior …not surprising as it was on of the functions of the DECEIVER of all mankind to utilize this tactic…’infiltrate, rise to power, and redirect’ all in the guise of being one among those who they lead!
To them I give the answer I was given ….”ALL of us will give an account’
Our answer will not be sustained to site how others ‘failed’ and thus we too saw no reason to seek out truth .,
My own husband claimed he turned from his faith because of ‘others’ failures but this will not hold up in the court of GOD
What others do …agree to …or profess does not excuse US from our own need to respond to the command of GOD to ‘seek HIM”
Rom 14:12 So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.
We have ‘no excuse’ by this method of others behavior being our ‘reason” to not seek after Him….it is also a ‘lie’ and a deception.
Hbr 9:27 And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:
It is my understanding that we may choose to ‘deny our self’ NOW and face the judgement which is HIS WORD …and make the adjustments to our thinking and thus our ways …OR we can die physically and face the judgment what all flesh is under and die WITH our sins unaddressed and uncleasnsed by a lifetime of learning and abiding in Him who has promised to cleanse us from all our filthy rags of self righteousness
This awareness allows that though our memories are in tact as to what sin we have been snared by in the past …we CAN learn obedience and have His spirit lead us from all future challenges that living in this fallen world bring about .
We CAN do all things THROUGH Christ who STRENGTHENS us …which comes to us by way of words that tell us truth about all things in this life …and grow our relationship with God who desires a relationship with his children ..man …created in His image …being the Father who is spirit. ….so those who HAVE and LIVE by HIS spirit/word….shall grow up into Him.