“What are the effects of an affair on children?” is a question that people often search for. Although the question looks for a simple answer, since affairs are not cut and dried situations, the answers are not cut and dried either. I deal with in in greater depth in my “Affair Recovery Workshop” program. Some of the items to consider are:
-What are the ages of the children? The age and maturity level will have some influence on how they react to an affair situation.
-How the spouses react to the affair are a large factor in how children respond. Since children often look to their parents for cues as to how they should respond, if you ‘freak out’, they will have problems adjusting. You can’t loose it and expect your children to keep it together.
-Children often react more to the issues and problems surrounding the affair.
-The very act of an affair is an act of selfishness and little self-control. It sends a message of rejection to the children. Had the adulterer thought about the children and its potential effects, the affair would not likely have occurred. The children recognize this.
They may express an acceptance of the situation, yet they often carry the scars of the rejection. They look at what the parents do, not so much what they say. The actions speak loudly concerning the self focus of those involved.
An affair does not mean that those involved are bad parents, it does mean that there are some problems with selfishness and weak self-control that need attention.
-It is also important to consider what is the motivation behind the asking the question concerning “What are the effects of an affair on children?”. The motive often says a great deal as well, whether from a spouse attempting to justify their actions, to those who are attempting to remove the adulterous spouse from access to the children.
Children need both of their parents. They need to see healing. They need to see parents working things out and resolving their differences.
-If the affair develops into a pregnancy, the intensity of feelings are greater.
-All problems can be dealt with. Not all can be solved, but all can be dealt with.
I will follow up with more on this topic in future posts, so stay tuned.
Best Regards,
Jeff
