Failing at something is a wake-up call. I recall when taking a graduate level testing course, I received a failing mark, I mean way below 50 kind of mark.
At that point, I panicked. In graduate school, failing a class means being booted from the program. That failing mark motivated me in working harder. I took the test again and passed. After I got my higher score, I even went back to take some of the same tests with a 90+% rate.
I tell this story not because it’s unique for me, but rather that I’ve witnessed over and over again how failing motivates people to do better. Failure is what sparks us in doing better.
By the end of the semester, my grade was exemplary and all was well. Although the danger of failing was past, that sensation of panic and sudden scramble of activity was one of my many wake-up calls.
That episode reminded me of the panic some couples experience when they think they’re ‘failing’ marriage therapy. I also wondered, if you can fail at ‘marriage therapy’. Now, I know the answer. Therapists will tell you “There’s no such thing as failing at marriage therapy.”
Therapists can tell you about not failing. My own experience is that some spouses intentionally sabotage marriage therapy. They do so by either lying, hiding information, refuse completing assignments or some other form of disruption.
The bottom line is you can ‘fail’ marriage therapy.
Although it’s hard to fail something you never really invested yourself in, those spouses resisted making changes in many creative ways.
People talk in terms “Marriage therapy didn’t work” or “It didn’t do much for us“. Blaming the marriage therapy is easier than admitting you got bored, that you didn’t do the homework assignments or don’t like talking seriously with your spouse or you don’t like setting goals for your marriage.
You may have even sabotaged your marriage therapy. Since they were about to talk about something that made you uncomfortable, you ‘blew things up’.
Blowing things up manufactures a crisis. It also diverts attention to the real problems within your marriage.
I worked with one couple who prior to sessions, agreed ahead of the session what will be talked about and what topics were considered off limits while sitting in their car in the parking lot. For them, a successful therapy session was about following the agreed to script. They actually sabotaged their session by not honestly facing their marriage relationship issues.
By the way, that couple later divorced and left therapy on bad terms. They achieved what they wanted.
Marriage therapists encourage people to stop sabotaging their marriage in order to facilitate positive change.
When it comes time for you and your spouse to get serious about repairing your marriage, what are you going to do? Sabotaging marriage therapy and then saying that the therapy ‘failed’ may ease your conscience, but it doesn’t improve your marriage and your ability to ‘get real’ with your spouse.
When there’s an affair, the two of you need to get real about what’s going on and make some changes. In all honesty, ‘How has doing it your way worked out?’
Are the two of you connecting with each other?
Are the two of you able to solve problems together?
If you want to take things to the next level, and give it another try, I have had some recent openings in my schedule for telephone counseling. You may only need a few sessions, or something to get the two of you over the hump.
Rather than deciding that ‘it won’t work’, try entering the counseling with an open mind and a willingness to make changes this time.
If you’re interested, contact me via email Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com for available times and rates.
It’ll give you the tools you need for improving your marriage, without having to go to the therapists office.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
