The holiday season brings many high risk situations associated with affairs. With this in mind, you may want to be aware of the risks and what you can do. It is not just the parties that are risky. There are also the risks associated with the lover wanting time and gifts from the cheater. The lover wants attention and love tokens. You may want to be on the lookout for signs of these love tokens. Another risk are the times after family get to-gethers. The tension that often comes with family times often trigger acting out episodes. Cheaters often use tension as an excuse to ‘act out’. With this in mind, look for unusual patterns of behavior. Cheaters often follow programming. When you know what triggers the programming, it puts you at an advantage in dealing with the affair.
-Look for deviations from routine (e.g. staying late at work, leaving early, taking phone calls at unusual times)
-Look for secretiveness in their actions
-Regard guardedness about their vehicle or cell phone with suspicion.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
5 Responses
Hi.
As a betrayed spouse I can agree with the programming of the cheating spouse. My husband could have been the recepie for a book about the subject. In addition he picked fights over nothing, was unafecctionate and uninterested in my life.
I am 2 1/2 years out of D-day, and even though things have fallen in to place, there are things that bugs me still. My husband had two affairs that I know about. And of course I suspect there have been others, but I have no proof. Is he a serial cheater or has he understood what was at stake?
He is now very affectionate and tells me he loves me every day. But his sex drive is not what it was. Sometimes it feels like he is uncomfortable when I snuggle up to him and expresses my desire for him. Before this, he was constantly all over me. I struggle with this contradiction, but he doesn`t have an explanation for this other than he is tired.
After the discovery I demanded to know his passwords both to his e-mail and facebook account. Now he has changed them, without saying anything to me.
His cell phone is never left in the living room, not even on week-ends. He have had a couple of late hours at work, but not more than a couple of hours. We were at his workplace to pick up something he needed, and I went in to his office with him. As a joke I told him that we could have sex at his desk. He laughed and went out of the office like a race-car.
He has also started to say critical stuff to me, something he hasn`t done for over a year.
Of course, after an affair my mind is on high alert. I could be imagining things, but I have an unsetteling feeling in my gut. Is his affectionate behaviour just a show or is it real? He has been busted on all the faults a cheater does, like the ones you wrote about above. He knows that I will be on high alert on those.
What about signs to look for, when the cheater is aware about “the signs”, and that he has made them before? What could one look for when one know that he will be very sure not to repeat them again? How does a serial cheater work?
Minnie,
Thank you for sharing your situation. With serial cheaters, I have seen two main types. One type gets smoother with each affair, having learned from their errors, the other type gets sloppier with each affair. Him pulling away from you is a big flashing yellow warning light. Use your senses. Any changes in smell, appearance, change in how they talk or change in how their vibes are can all be early warning indicators that something is going on. Learn to trust your gut. The gut is right more often than not.
Thank you for responding.
The confusing part is that he is seemingly very affectionate outside the bedroom. And when we talk about the affairs, he declares that this is a part of his life that he doesn`t want to go back to. Ever. My gut says that I should be aware, some of his behaviour too, but his words and SOME behaviour says that he wouldn`t do this again. It is so confusing and it`s hard to trust my gut under such circumstances. At the same time I am very much aware of my sensitivity after the affairs…….
How terribly sorry I am for your state of things Minnie. For many years my husband would act uncomfortable when I wanted to even greet him at the door with a hug …..that was the year he began his adulterous lengthy relationship….I now understand why he would tell me ‘you shouldn’t love me’ when I would tell him I loved him!
All of this was right in front of our young children.
Now he has two children by the OW and he is deeply depressed because he has discovered that she does not care for them….even did not do anything for the young son’s birthday! Also no plans for thanksgiving …at least that is what he said the kids told him
I do not have any interaction with them …have not met them ..since I did not want to be put in the middle of that mess….She is psycho as far as I can tell…but then I trusted my husband for 26 years while he played around with her for 14 of them…now we are five years out from D Day but the situation has put me in a category of ‘the wife’ who is THERE but not particularly cared for , loved or romanced…He moved upstairs
He is very sorry for all who have been effected by his ‘choice’
He said he thought that if it was discovered that OUR children would mentor the other children! I told him this is a LOT different than a blended family ….He deliberately had those children so it is a lot like infidelity to our children ..as if THEY were not ‘enough’ if you know what I mean.
It is bad enough for a spouse to have been cheated upon but this is something else.
I do think the children of the OW must be cared for and supported, I buy them things for him to give them …
I do not know what will happen as time goes by and they get older …they are already asking questions and they know that he is married with a family …but I don’t think he has been completely honest in terms of WHAT he and their mother did to all of us ….he just told them that they ‘hurt a lot of people ‘ since he felt they were too young to understand what adultery is ..
I told him that he had better address this with more honesty …they are getting older and I think they resent the fact that he never has spend one night in their home and he has never had them to our home
I strongly do not believe in ‘normalizing ‘ this situation ….I may be of a different mind than most but I also do not believe in calling upon children in a blended family to accept adultery as “OK’ or “normal’…many who are married from their adultery continue to try to get children to accept their choices ….
Children have had little respect when they are forced to accept and acclimate to parents who married because they have had an adulterous arrangement and divorced their spouses.
My husband is down because he wanted them to join us for Thanksgiving …but I know this would bring about trouble from the OW and would be an affront to my children …
He and she did not consider any of those their CHOICE and her ‘reproductive ‘rights’ have brought such a situation to ….selfish.
I don’t know what your husband is doing but I do know how you have difficulty trusting him …as one site offered it takes doing the right thing over a long length of time…hiding and privacy of all communication is not part of that …but your husband may not realize he MUST give up his various ‘independent ‘ ways if he really wants to make his marriage what it should be in terms of priority ….not everyone gets that of course. .or we would not be here ….sadly .
I hope you can enjoy some peace eventually and that he will become honest with himself and you for both your sake….hugs
I am experiencing that once D Day happened my husband apparently had had all the fun he decided he wanted in life and now is just intent upon not enjoying life. I let him know kindly that this self inflicted penalty was also penalizing the rest of us …we enjoy doing things together…
He has apparently had little interest in being with all of us …daughters , son and me …to go out …He obviously did not enjoy going places with me only ..since his schedule did not include activities or dates with me…before he met his OW he simply went out and did whatever he wanted with whomever was available at the time …WHO he did it with was not as important was WHAT he was wanting to do.
I have had to face that even when we were somewhere together he would plan activities that did not include me
I was not always the way that D Day has effected me ….I would agree that our times together now can bring up many issues that he does not want to work out …and if I do not speak of them with him or attempt to it appears that he will simply believe that I have accepted all of his behavior as ‘normal’
For the sake of our family as well as our relationship I do not want to normalize this situations.
His inability to appreciate even HOW I have conducted myself in the face of his indignity and disrespect of my person seems to have left him to a life of ‘no fun’ because he has not seen me as any kind of companion.
I was always available ..and continually growing in all kinds of knowledge ..however availability rested upon planning …he did not give me prior notice for his various things he wanted to do.
I began to feel that he planned it that way
Having fun prior to marriage involved the interests of BOTH of us …and they were wholesome activities with people of like mind.
The trouble began when his choices of friends and activities became more and more of the kind that corrupt and I had already seen the way these things effected my life and relationships and was learning to discern what was useful for healthy and moral living .
I did not want to engage or grow close relationships with people that were not responsive to wise choices….environments I had long since realized the damage that being in them more and more could bring about
I was right …not I but the way wisdom applied teaches…..He did not care enough about protecting his own attitude toward the ungodly influences…he kept going back with a cavalier attitude…I have realized that this way of choosing led to my not being able to trust his judgment …
Carelessness, impulsiveness, and risk taking seems to be some people’s idea of manhood
It fosters insecurity and caution in a marriage as it demonstrates little concern for how one’s choices effect the spouse and family
I have been learning that this is also one of the ‘walls’ that his behavior built between us …How could I trust his counsel when he demonstrated so little concern for wise choices?
Parties became the places where his choices began to show up more clearly ….He did not become drunk but a few drinks brought out his true loyalties and preferences for others over his love for me ..
His behavior at parties demonstrated disrespect for me and marriage
Even among his family of origin he mocked my care for our children when I was instructing them or cautioning them as I observed them climbing into a high and dangerous structure.
This happened when visiting his aunt …Their children and grandchildren were WILD and often family gatherings were spoiled by their unruly behavior …as their parents and adults got a little more alcohol their casual attitude toward their responsibility to train their children to behave respectfully began to show it’s fruit’
Over the years everyone except the parents and grandparents remarked about it but nothing was done…as the boys in particular got older their horseplay not only caused injury but damage to the homes they were having the party in .
I realize that some play is expected among young children and even older ones…but to allow certain chaos and actual damaging behavior at a party is not good for anyone …
My husband’s family enjoyed teasing and playing tricks on people ..which was ‘fun’ to a point….some of it was down right hurtful and people would laugh rather than be thought prudish
I did not realize the extent that this kind of ‘practical ‘ joking could end up being in terms of not recognizing a lack of empathy in those who ‘enjoyed’ a laugh at the expense of others.
What was ‘fun’ for some , was down right hurtful and dangerous to others
I wonder how much our media has had to do with this kind of influence ….It really put another wall in our relationship as I tried to let my husband know in private some of the ways his sideing with his family against me and to the harm of our children was harmful.
His attitude continued to be dismissive of this kind of concern.
He chose anyone and everyone for his ‘fun’ as time went by because he did not like to have to alter his ways to consider the effects of his choices.
His adultery and his having had children intentionally is one of the ways this seems to have played out …Now he is sorry but STILL continues to assert his ‘right’ to do whatever HE defines as ‘good’ despite the way it is leading those children on and contnuing to hurt all of us .
He is in denial because it seems it gives him comfort that he will ‘win out’ in the end
In my view and experience and based upon the truths I have tried to apply to my own life and transforming my ways …I believe the past is evidence enough that allowing the Bible to supply sound counsel STILL gives reason for him to commit himself to learn how and what will make a better impact upon all others
He is still his own ‘god’ …. doing what HE decides and feels all others are simply going to have to deal with it …
As an adult I have chosen to stay in the marriage for the sake of what may change but also I feel I have no other options in terms of wanting a companion …I see no benefit in any kind of restarting my life with anyone else …..also there is the issue of having spent 32 years building …even if he hasn’t …I have invested my whole life into this marriage for the sake of experiencing how to live within it ….realizing that I have had to go it alone many times….still it is a venue for learning more …..even if it is not what it was intended to be according to each person taking responsibility to learn to love the other,
I feel I am still going to stay
His attitude has demonstrated that he got married because it seemed to him a good thing to be …but he did not live IN it …his identity did not alter from single man to married man …from playboy to fatherhood.
He was taught by his parents to be self oriented and to allow others to ‘live and let live’ but his behavior has only kept part of that tenet….His choices did not allow anyone to ‘live and let live’ ….He took the life promises made at the alter before the Lord and denied me and our family …His adultery also meddled in the life of another woman AND then two babies without consideration of what THEIR lives should have been ..
His parents were very nice and generous people but totally rejecting any kind of input from the Lord or from the wisdom therein.
The way he ‘is’ is changeable…and can be developed along the godly paradigm …he does not want to investigate because he knows he will have to be confronted regarding what he does NOW …he said he would rather just keep going and die …the ‘sooner the better’ then we will all be ‘free’ of him and he will get what ‘he deserves’ …which is a terrible testimony of a person who has been trapped in his wrong understanding of the truth of the Lord and his stubborn need to be ‘right’ by his own standards.
Even as he has had to admit his way has been disastrous!
God’s word DOES CONDEMN sin …but it is so we may recover ourselves out of the way we have gotten there…….seeking comfort among those who do not condemn any kind of behavior … situation ethics over wisdom …what a sad state…