While driving through Cocoa Beach, Florida I saw a sign in front of a beer joint proclaiming how they had beer that was colder than your ex. In the tavern business it’s important to stand out with witty sayings and this one definitely caught my attention.
I thought through the sentiment expressed by the sign. I’m sure that it resonates with some of the patrons. It’s common hearing how ‘cold’ a person’s ex is or how problematic they were.
I also began wondering how many of those patrons now complaining about how cold their ex is actually attempted facing and working through their issues. When your spouse reacts with coldness, there is often a reason for it.
In many cases, the coldness is your spouse’s way of protecting themselves. It’s their ‘protective wall’ that shields them from something they see is unsafe in their surroundings.
Although the cold shoulder is a better solution than an affair to unsafe surroundings, it’s still damaging to the marriage. In some cases, the cold shoulder is used as a convenient excuse for an affair.
Rather than working through whatever created the coldness, the cheater looks for someone else. The tragic thing is that you may have been cold toward your spouse without intending to be.
What you consider as protecting yourself may be viewed by them as being ‘cold’. That coldness could actually be you struggling with depression, illness, sadness or just being burned out. It could be that the trigger for the protective wall was not your spouse at all.
When the ‘pattern of cold reactions’ is never confronted, answers are never discovered. What could have been remedied with knowing ways of helping your spouse feel safe is missed.
Confronting the pattern of cold reactions is work. It requires effort in reaching out and connecting with your spouse when they are ‘cold’. They may have even given you that reaction as a type of bread crumb or hint that they need some help.
When you dismiss their cold reaction pattern as them being frigid or unfeeling, you miss out on meaningful connection with them.
This is where being a member of the support community at Restored Lifestyle can help. With membership, you’ll have access to videos on initiating communication and creating safe environments where the two of you can talk. You’ll also have a place for sharing your hurts rather than keeping them inside to the point where your spouse thinks you are cold.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
