Failing at something is a wake-up call. No one enjoys failing.
I recall when taking a graduate level testing course, the professor game me a failing mark, I mean way below 50 kind of mark. He alerted me to the possibility I could fail the class. Like a ghost, it scared me.
At that point, I panicked. In graduate school, failing a class means being booted from the program. That failing mark motivated me in working harder.
By the end of the semester, my grade was exemplary and all was well. Although the danger was past, that sensation of panic and sudden scramble of activity was one of my many wake-up calls.
That episode reminded me of the panic some couples experience when they think they’re ‘failing’ marriage therapy. I also wondered, ‘Can you can fail ‘marriage therapy?’
People talk about failing it. They use phrases like “Marriage therapy didn’t work” or “It didn’t do much for us”.
Blaming the marriage therapy is easier than admitting that you got bored, that you didn’t do the homework assignments or don’t like talking seriously with your spouse or you don’t like setting goals for your marriage.
Talking seriously about significant matters, setting goals and actually working on your marriage requires effort. Many couples prefer coasting to putting effort into their relationships.
You may have even sabotaged your marriage therapy. Since they were about to talk about something that made you uncomfortable, you ‘blew things up’.
Blowing things up manufactures a crisis. It also diverts attention to the real problems within your marriage. It’s easier blaming a therapist than looking at how your relationship isn’t working.
I worked with one couple who prior to sessions, agreed ahead of the session what will be talked about and what topics were considered off limits while sitting in their car in the parking lot. For them, a successful therapy session was about following the agreed to script.
When it comes time for you and your spouse to get serious about repairing your marriage, what are you going to do? Sabotaging marriage therapy and then say that the therapy ‘failed’ may ease your conscience, but it doesn’t improve your marriage and your ability to ‘get real’ with your spouse.
When there’s an affair, the two of you need to get real about what’s going on and make some changes. In all honesty, ‘How has doing it your way worked out?’
Are the two of you connecting with each other?
Are the two of you able to solve problems together?
If you want to take things to the next level, yet don’t want even the risk of failing at marriage therapy, check out joining the Restored Lifestyle community. It’s filled with ways of improving your communication and marriage.
It’ll give you the tools you need for improving your marriage, without having to go to the therapists office.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
