In the Affair Recovery Group yesterday, we dealt with the topic of self-esteem and infidelity. The overuse of the term ‘self-esteem’ has created confusion as to what the term is actually referring to. In the session, we covered many aspects of self-esteem and its role in infidelity. One of the ways it comes into play is how the cheaters often seek self-validation through affairs. They use the affair to make themselves feel better. When you are in the midst of receiving emotional kudos, you tend to feed better about yourself, yet achieving such kudos through an affair is not healthy.
The betrayed spouse often struggles with emotional devastation, on finding out about the affair, while the cheater seems to be at the peak of their self-esteem. The stirring up of sexual and emotional energies does not mean that they are healthy or that their self-esteem is actually a good one. They are running on emotional energy that has a huge price tag. It is not from a healthy source. Had the cheater really had a healthy self-esteem, they would not have engaged in an affair in the first place. The cheater found an unhealthy source of emotional energy rather than deal with their finding a way to meet their needs within the bounds of the marriage. Learning how to work within the marriage is an important skill, which the cheater has not yet mastered.
In the session, we also addressed ways of rebuilding your marriage on honesty and healthy foundations rather than the illusions that are often passed off as self-esteem.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
