Working with couples, many questions are asked of me. At times, the challenge lies in sorting out the questions asked from the ones where people are thinking out loud, expressing their feelings or seriously wanting an answer.
One of the hard truths is that not everyone asking a question is wanting you to answer them. I often responded to such questions with “Do you really want me to answer that?” The person who directed the question toward me then just looks at me in a puzzled manner. They’re surprised that someone really has an answer for them. Whether they were doing it to be a smart alec or show off or to throw a red herring into things, they’re suddenly stopped in their tracks. At that moment, their motive for asking the question is exposed.
The motives behind the question tells you more than the question itself. One of my professors often stressed to me “… as a counselor, it’s important addressing the motive behind the questions.” He went on, pointing out that I needed an awareness of both the question they asked and what would make them ask such a question. Over the years, his guidance helped me through some tough scenarios.
Today’s question is “How can I tell my children about the affair?” For those of you familiar with my work, you already know how “Why’ questions should be avoided. The “How” and “What” questions give you more useful information.
Telling your children about the affair can be tricky. Your true motives will likely come out in how you tell them. If you turn the story into a “cheater are the scum of the earth” kind of tirade, your own motives are coming through. I find using a factual approach appropriate for their age is best. Any attempt at portraying the cheater or the betrayed as ‘evil’ or ‘bad’ is risky in terms of blowback.
Your child still loves their parent. Positioning it as dad chose another woman or mom decided to date another man gets the point across. You’ll want to answer their questions honestly. That means that when they ask “Why did mommy or daddy do that?” You face a challenge. You may have your own ideas about their reasons, but if you don’t know, make it clear that you don’t know. Assuming you know the answer amounts to speaking for them.
Phrasing your response as ‘I don’t know why. My guess is…’ gives you room to answer, be honest and allow your spouse room to answer for themselves.
If your children want to know more, they’ll ask more questions. Short, honest answers are easier on you and them.
Younger children often like stories. Using a story as a way of answering your children also works. Personally, I like metaphors and examples from the Bible or family history. There are times when conveying a truth in terms of truths they are already acquainted with helps them understand. Using this approach also provides ‘teachable moments’ as well.
Besides giving teachable moments, in selecting the metaphor you use, it also provides you with a framework to start making sense of things. Answering them forces you to have to simplify many of the things going through your mind. That simplification often helps you along with answering their questions.
Teens and adult children can be intimidating since they ask questions back. They may challenge some of your assumptions and draw their own conclusions. It’s important to not take things personally when they don’t agree with your version. They are thinking for themselves and often connect the dots (facts) in ways you never considered.
I go into greater depth on this issue of dealing with children and the affair in one of the sections of the Affair Recovery Workshop.
Best Regards,
Jeff
