On a regular basis, the public asks advice columnists questions. One of the questions that come up routinely is whether or not marriage counseling is a ‘waste of time’.
Although the various circumstances change, the question remains the same. I’ve even had couples ask me the same question.
The question they ask isn’t off base. A better question that should be asked before the waste of time question is what are they going to counseling for?
Let me explain. When couples go into counseling, they’re looking for something. In some cases, you want the counselor to validate you or what you did. In other situations, you’re trying to pull apart or get closer together.
The situation that’s a waste of time is when you use the counselor as a hammer in forcing your spouse to your will. Another variation of that is wanting the counselor to validate one spouse at the expense of the other. I understand how you want to change so desperately that you’re willing to seek outside help.
Counselors are helpful when you use them correctly. Problems arise when your expectations include using them as a weapon against your spouse. Counselors aren’t designed for warfare. Lawyers were designed for warfare, counselors were designed for coming together.
When you find yourself telling the counselor “make him…” or “make her ….”, the counseling has turned into a form of manipulative warfare.
The benefit comes when you look for what can be done or what’s preventing things from happening along with new ways of connecting with each other. This is a very different approach than using the counselor to force your spouse into doing your bidding.
Approaching counseling with the mindset of whether it’s a waste of time implies you’re already approaching it with a defeatist mindset. Since you find what you’re looking for, even in counseling, going into it and looking for it being a waste tells your mind to look for that.
Counseling has the potential for opening up new ways of looking at your relationship and ways of moving past roadblocks. It’s not magic, but it can give you new direction and hope.
If you are wanting counseling and considering the online option, I have some openings in my schedule. Email me Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com for the best times, rates and requirements.
Your marriage didn’t get into the mess its’ in overnight. It’s also not going to transform overnight either. You’re still dealing with people, which means they’ll do people things and make people mistakes.
When you go into it thinking it’s a waste of time, you’re not helping yourself.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
