One of the first thoughts going through my head on hearing a wife tell me “He cheated again!” concerns relapse. I consider whether it truly is another affair or unfinished work from the first affair.
When the recovery work from the first affair is left half-done, it opens the door to cheating again. This happens more commonly than I’d like. They see a reduction in pain levels and some improved communication which leads them to assume the affair is over.
They stop counseling before they’ve finished resolving the issues surrounding the affair. There are several reasons behind this.
With the first affair hurting so badly, it’s tempting to stop the necessary work when the pain levels go down. Diminished pain doesn’t mean the same thing as completing affair recovery.
No one likes pain, so you assume that when the pain is tolerable or gone that all is well. This represents a lack of follow through. The issues contributing to the affair need resolution.
Secondly, when communication improves, they believe they can handle things on their own. One they connect with each other at levels they were at before the affair, they assume all is well. In doing so, they miss out on what the communication can be.
Thirdly, couples make peace without dealing without having an Affair Relapse Prevention Plan. The plan is not just about knowing how to handle temptations and high risk situations.
Working on the plan together forces the two of you to address each others’ vulnerabilities. You learn your spouse’s needs and weak points.
You also learn that relapses don’t ‘just happen’. You understand the progression behind the relapse. You start understanding how one bad decision leads to another and another.
Not only is there a progression behind relapses, there are also patterns to look for and be aware of.
After enough bad decisions, a situation unfolds where they excuse indulging in their old standby solution to their hurts. They return to their folly since they didn’t totally rewire how they deal with you and with stress.
If your affair recovery didn’t include an Affair Relapse Prevention Plan, its not too late. The time for addressing it is now. They may say that they’re over the AP and the affair.
They may even be sincere in what they tell you. How can you know they’ve really changed? A good solid Affair Relapse Prevention Plan addresses concerns like that and more.
So let me sum up some of the common mistakes that I mentioned above:
- Stopping affair recovery when the pain lessens or some other excuse rather than when the issues are resolved.
- Making peace with each other and assuming all is well.
- Settling for decent communication rather than optimum intimacy.
- Failing to deal with temptations and high-risk situations.
In the video “Overcoming Affair Relapse“, I address what an affair relapse prevention plan needs in keeping them from the pattern of cheating again. There are things that you can do. Knowing what to look for along with what to call them on helps your recovery be more effective.
Click and download your copy of the video today. Within minutes you can start putting together a plan that works for the both of you.
If you need more personal or intensive help, email me for consultation or counseling at Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
