One of the incidents that really grinds on me is enduring a petulant child throwing a temper tantrum in public. Whether on airplanes, in restaurants, or in grocery stores, they make everyone in the place uneasy. I’ve even seen public groups cheer when the parent finally takes charge and intervenes in the situation.
When the parent coddles the child, the crowds often grit their teeth and whisper among themselves about how someone should “do something” about that brat. The child is out of control and is holding the whole place hostage.
Although temper tantrums should have stopped as children mature, in real life it doesn’t work that way. Some cheaters unleash their ‘inner child’ in such a way that you wonder if they ever grew up. Once again, the child is out of control and holding your whole home hostage.
Even long after the affair is over, there are times when the cheater still blows up in tantrums. The blow-up often includes accusations of you being controlling. After accusing you of being controlling, there’s typically a demand followed by their reason for not being controlled.
This is an example of the cheater’s immature behavior. They’re acting like spoiled brats who didn’t get their way. This type of tantrum is a manipulative tactic used to control you and make you feel guilty. It’s also a way for the cheater to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.
Although the specifics vary, the patterns are common. At times the blow includes a statement about them being a grown man or woman. The pattern is that they act like a child while accusing you of being some version of the mean parent.
It’s easier complaining about you being controlling than for them admitting that they can’t handle the responsibility or have an adult-level conversation with you.
They forget what happened the last time they ‘acted like an adult (in name only)’ and opened up about the troubles that came with the affair. If you argue with them about what is or isn’t in control, the tantrum escalates into a fight.
The real issue is that they are avoiding responsibility and don’t know adult ways of negotiating responsibility. Talking on an adult level takes effort. Not everyone wants to set aside their selfish interests and listen to your needs and find ways of solving the problem of conflicting needs.
If you’d like to solve problems like this, you’ll benefit from my video “Let’s talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” which focused specifically on communication issues. It guides you through ways of establishing and handling adult to adult communication.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
