Much like investigators examine crime scenes in determining what happened in what order, when you deconstruct the damage from an affair, there are many lessons to be learned. One is that the most destructive element is often not the affair itself. The most destructive element are the lies and broken trust it creates. Lies destabilize relationships. They leave you wondering who or what you can believe. Lies create an atmosphere where you are never sure what to believe. There are often contradictions between what you see and what you are told. There are contradictions between what your spouse says and what your own gut tells you. These contradictions are often what makes you feel crazy. When there are lies, you do not know what to believe. The cheater may tell the lie to get out of a sticky situation and never realize that that lie or lies has shaken the relationships down to their foundation. With those lies, they have done more damage than would have been done had they told the truth. The truth can often be handled and dealt with. Lies leave everyone believing something that is not true. It creates a false world.
Lies destroy relationships. They destroy your ability to trust yourself, and your ability to trust others. It is not by accident that military Psy-Ops use lies to destabilize governments and nations. They know how destructive lies can be. They know that the real damage is done to the trust and the ability to trust, whether it be yourself, your spouse, your boss, your friends. With enough lies, you can be put into a state where you trust no one.
Since military intelligence knows the power of lies, your spouse may know the power of lies as well. Instead of taking down the stability of a nation, they are taking down the stability of your home and family. The bottom line is that lies destabilize people and destroy their ability to trust. Once the trust is destroyed they do not have the strength to resist or know who to resist. In the case of affairs, you are not sure who is the enemy. Is it the cheater, the person who told you about the affair, the lover, the cheater’s family, or the place where the cheating happened. Without knowing who the enemy is, you do not know how to deal with the situation. Whether or not the cheater intended such a chaotic storm to be unleashed, once it is released, there is no way to prevent damage, only to manage the damage that is done.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
One Response
There is a lot for me to overcome mentally ….I am laying it down …..I remember when I spoke with an attorney to find out what my situation was legally just after D DAY ….She observed that in the 7 years that my husband had been giving money to the OW he had paid over 30 years worth of child support in that time!
I am still adding it up for an update should she try to take him to court for ‘back ‘ child support…it is in the multiple six digits….I feel sick as I am making copies of the cancelled checks.
It is not so much about the money …..it is about what was going on in his heart and mind that led to such deceit and that he would align himself with such a thief….it will go on for another ten years probably or more since the children are still young….at my age that about does it for any kind of retirement years where I am still able to enjoy activity ….don’t mean to be depressing …
I know my home is not this earth. I am sad when I think how I had such high hopes for our lives and marriage and family to make a strong endorsement for a godly life! Maybe that is just my prideful dream of living rightly and blessing others.
I am not saying God cannot work in anyone’s life despite all things that come through…not at all …it is just to think of what my husband forfeited….both of his own life …and that of what all of the lives of our family …not to mention others ..might have been had he continued to grow in the Lord.
I am willing to love my husband anyway …but he is still doing a lot of secretive hiding of his life…spending a lot of the day away at work and working out ..and taking the children of the OW to eat and school…..he does not engage at home ….
Love your enemies…do good to those who persecute you is my lesson now ….it is hard …but that is why we are told to lean upon the Lord for what HE tells us to do ….ugh it’s hard sometimes…