In-laws can make recovery from an affair smoother or worse. In some cases, they may have been pressuring your spouse to have the affairs as a way of ‘checking out’ of the marriage. Although it is painful to consider, there are some in-laws that may want to sabotage your marriage. They may have chosen some other person who they wanted their child to marry instead of you. In such situations, they may plant seeds of doubt in your spouse’s mind which work toward poisoning the well, so to speak. Since they are in a position of influence, they may use their influence in a destructive manner.
In some cases, the in-laws may see nothing wrong with the affair. They may see nothing wrong with affairs at all. In such cases, they are not a place to go for support. If they see nothing wrong with affairs, it is doubtful that they will be understanding or supportive. They may say they just want their child to ‘be happy’, rather than encourage their child to do the right thing. There is a world of difference between being happy and doing right.
Some in-laws may offer you lip service. They may offer some insincere support and even join you on how you are “too good” for their child or how their child is not worth all the fuss you are making about things. When parents put down their own child something is either wrong or they are putting on an act.
There are some in-laws who are truly supportive. They are grieved over the matter as much as you and love their child while being grieved at how they have hurt so many through their actions. In such cases, they may even join with you in finding ways of turning things around and recovery. They understand that on the wedding day, when they signed the guest register, they were also obligating themselves to do all they could to help you and their child in the midst of marital problems. Many times, wedding party attendees think that the only promises and commitments being made are the ones in front of the church. When the minister opens with “we are gathered here..” there are some responsibilities with it. The good ‘in-laws’ recognize this and do all they can do put things right, rather than indulge whatever whim of the day that makes their child happy.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
4 Responses
Whoa Jeff – you described my mother-in-law exactly! She said that my ex-husband should date during our separation and that I had to live with whatever choices he made. . .that his happiness was most important. Never mind he was destroying our covenant marriage. I caught her in numerous lies early on and it became apparent she was not going to encourage him to do the right thing. I am certain now she knew about the affair and helped cover it up. She told me to get a self-help book and that I would be fine! I never expected this behavior from someone I thought loved me like a daughter. It was almost worse than my ex-husband’s betrayal. I am very happy to be away from this family now because I realize how unhealthy they all are. Blessings to you Jeff for posting this. Thank you!
Christina,
Wow! I am glad that the post helped put into words what you dealt with. Although I do not know your mother-in-law, I have some experience dealing with in-laws that ‘promote’ or direct affairs in order to control their children’s lives. I have also seen in-laws that are very supportive in a good way during the aftermath of the affair. The meddling in-laws who stoop to promoting affairs bother me a great deal. It is hard enough keeping a marriage together these days without in-laws trying to destroy them.
CHRISTINE
I am so sorry for you have to go through such a terrible time. My inlaws were not happy with my husband’s choice in me but were not vocal . They were polite to me and did all of the things ‘nice’ people do …BUT my faith offended them . They were not ‘of’ any faith but had a RC background family of origin wise but were not involved at all in any faith. I was told after a while that I was not to speak of Jesus Christ in their home. …by my father in law…and my mother in law said that they did not believe anyone had any right to tell anyone else what to believe about GOD. I guess Jesus would have been sent from their home too.
My mother in law contracted cancer shortly thereafter and died soon after our first child was born. This was sad since she was only in her early 50’s . My father in law grieved for a while and after his brother died he began to ‘visit’ his brother’s widow. That was the brother that he had kept a long [ten year] stint of not speaking to him! My husband and I got them to reconcile and they had been speaking a few years prior to his brother’s death.
A strange family it seems ….So many disfunctions that at first do not appear to us when we are going along ….it is the world ..deception …the way being born into the world …without the truth to compare many things seem ‘normal’ to us until we get some understanding from scripture ….
Anyway I am so sorry …it is easy to see why GOD’s first law of marriage recorded right after bringing Eve to Adam was that a man was to ‘leave his mother and father’ and ‘cleave unto his wife…..This change of loyalty and priority is not just appropreate but NECESSARY for a man to cleave to his wife.
In our marriage I don’t know about whether my husband continued to ‘cling’ to his family but I do know that his loyalty was weak towards me once we moved back closer to his family …after a year living far away and being more involved in couplehood with a fellowship of believers. Going back into the area of his family and old friends did make some corrosion of our growing together as a couple.
He could not endure making the choice…His loyalty to Christ …his hearing people he cared about disparaging remarks about the faith …and his wife who was in ministry before we met…he could not deal with being linked with the faith …of any kind. His career move into an office environment where faith is definitely not out in the open and immorality seems acceptable if not expected …was the straw that broke the camel’s back in terms of his identity being linked with Christ or me.
Our marriage became background for his career ….and he was a shining star for his family to dote on
In your situation I feel for you …I think I recall you have a faith in Christ so this kind of betrrayal by your husband AND by inlaws is notably a deep wound. I know it is difficult to remember but Jesus told us that in the world we could expect people to be offended NOT necessarily by those who follow him but because the gospel offends ….it is the offense of the truth about the state of THIS world which Jesus said is NOT the location of HIS kingdom …that offends those who know not the Lord.
Keep in the presence of the Lord through the word for it is our refuge …from not just the world but also from those who pose as though they are ‘righteous’ but who are not OF the Lord.
We were warned of this duplicity but it has been often hard to tell ..hard to accept …and we have the double duty of loving our ‘enemies’ which is very difficult …I ask the Lord to help me understand HOW to carry this out ..and to work IN me …I find it still very difficult but have had to look upon this trial as one of the ‘lessons’ that I would not have gone after myself if I had not had it thrust upon me
May you too find strength in your faith and relationship with the Lord who Himself endured great betrayal …not just at his crucifixion …but on a daily basis was those he bought reject his mercy and offering of salvation regularly ….now we know some of how that feels …sadly
Hugs!
Oh ….in retrospect to be fair …after my children were graduated from a respected University with honors my father in law told me that he was glad his son married me and that I had done a great job with our children …I homeschooled all three much to the doubt and dismay of his family …..
Before he died his father even began to ask me about the faith ….I am not ‘in charge’ and it is nice to have had this happen …I hope that he had reconciled himself prior to entering into eternity…..I am glad he did not live to learn about what his son was doing for so many years….it would have killed him no doubt. They are a proud family…and strong willed …just turned it in the wrong direction rather than to submit to the Lordship of Christ…
Sometimes all we must do is to continue as Jesus said ” continue in my words and you will be MY DISCIPLES indeed’ …eating and living by our .daily “bread” that came down from heaven….one day at a time….