One of the fast ways of putting me in orbit happens when relationship ‘experts’ direct readers in keeping affairs secret from you. Consider for example, this item that was recently on Yahoo News.
Rather than pointing them in a healthy direction, she instead chooses the quick-fix, “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” type of answer.
I cringe at the thought of couples desperately searching for answers in dealing with an affair situation being pointed in a direction that weakens your marriage and damages your conscience.
The latest expert was interviewed by the Independent. During the interview, she made some comments that were eye-raising.
” Infidelity isn’t worth telling your partner about in certain cases“, says New York based coach Susan Winter.
“This is because it’s more “cruel” to tell your partner about an affair in some cases rather than to keep it to yourself” she claims.
On reading the article, I remind myself that cheaters have itching ears and are willing to read and believe any expert that tells them what they want to hear. When you have wandering eyes, you actually want someone like this expert so that you can justify your actions with what you assume is a clear conscience.
In my mind, the time for evaluating what is cruel or not cruel was at the time of the affair, not afterwards. Once it happens, the cheater is in a no-win position.
It’s painful to tell you about it, it’s also painful choosing not to tell or only telling you a little at a time. When you start using the ‘cruel’ factor, all your decisions are based on the degree of cruelty and whose cruelty matters.
The standard I recommend is whether it was right or wrong. Loyalty matters. When you start hiding things from your spouse, it may keep the peace at that moment, but it damages your marriage in the long run.
Hiding a one-night stand is a quick-fix solution that deals with surface issues. It doesn’t address the unmet needs or issues within your marriage.
It doesn’t address what drove the cheater to consider hiding things from you. Hiding is a pragmatic solution that undermines the stability of your relationship.
If they hide an affair, it makes you wonder what else are they hiding as well. Encouraging the hiding only feeds into the development of bad relationship habit and the desire for quick fixes.
The cheater made marriage vows which were broken. In order to restore the ‘spirit of oneness’ to your marriage the truths need coming out. You have the choice of each of you living in your own separate little worlds with naivety guiding your actions, or living together in a shared world with truth and oneness.
If you struggle with whether or not to tell the truth, there are bigger problems going on that just the affair. One of the things lacking in your marriage at that point is trust.
You may not have ever learned what trust is or how to make it stronger in your marriage. If that’s the case, consider the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” It contains a way of knowing what’s missing along with having a clear plan guiding you in rebuilding trust.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
