One of the hurdles that bogs you down in affair recovery is ambivalence. It shows up as being torn between staying with the cheater or leaving them.
Ambivalence stays with you all the way through recovery from D-Day until your recovery is complete. Like a homeless dog, it’s always follows where you go.
Anytime you look behind you, there is ambivalence staring back at you.
A reader experiencing this wrote, “My problem is I will be reminded of the affair and the hurt and pain seem fresh and my entire mood changes..so much so I wonder if I shouldn’t just leave….it’s been almost a year….what can I do?”
This is one of the obstacles with affairs. Each time you think of the affair it triggers reactions all over again. The good thing is that the intensity of the reactions lessens over time. The time is needed for allowing your brain and emotions to make changes.
A year can be a long time. The usual time adjusting to a trauma like an affair is about 18 months (1 1/2 years), with some taking a little longer or shorter.
In terms of what you can do:
If you choose to stay, the two of you may want to try some new ways of having fun with each other. When couples play it shortens the healing time. Doing some fun, new activities together creates new neural pathways that can help over ride older ones. After an affair many couples forget how to ‘play’.
The most powerful thing you can do is identify what about the affair you can be thankful for and express it. An affair is never a good thing, yet there are often some positive changes that come with it.
Doing this helps create new brain connections associated with the affair. Although it seems counter-intuitive, it helps.
The thinking about leaving is a common reaction. Your heart and brain are continuing making changes and adjustments.
The leaving option brings some changes with it as well. It changes your external environment, yet doesn’t change your internal environment.
Leaving won’t stop the emotional reactions or the pain. It will mean that you won’t see your spouse as often or have much control over how the two of you interact with each other.
If the two of you have children, you will still have to deal with each other from here on out, so leaving only limits your influence.
With the leaving option, you’ll still be going through the healing process, yet now without whatever support your spouse provided.
The therapist John Bradshaw often asked, “Why throw away a perfectly good marriage?“ Although he used the comment as an ice breaker, you still need a good answer in response to that question, if only for your own peace of mind.
If you don’t have a good answer to his question, then you need to re-consider what your plan of action is.
This is a point that I even agree with Esther Perel in that ‘cheating occurs in legitimately good relationships‘. Your relationship may be one of the good ones worth saving.
If you aren’t sure where to begin or want some extra help beyond what counseling provides, then consider the “Affair Recovery Workshop”. With it’s unique sequence, you’ll know what to say, when to say it and how to say it in ways that brings healing rather than distance between the two of you.
Best Regards,
Jeff
