One of the sensations I dislike is being out of control.
Without control, I feel like a helpless animal who is only reacting to what is going on around them. At that point, there is no predicting, or having any say so. Although that feeling is unpleasant, it’s not the worst one because it can be resolved by controlling situations with my own hands. But when I have no control over myself/my body? That’s terrifying!
Although I’ve met some people who like losing control, it’s a feeling that frightens me. Whenever I go into a situation where I lose control, my heart starts to pound and I have the tendency to get extremely anxious.
Being out of control brings the sensations of powerlessness, helplessness and vulnerability with it. Being vulnerable is not something I enjoy. When I am in a situation where I can’t use my physical strength as a way of protection, it scares me.
I believe that feeling vulnerable makes us try harder when we have little to no ability to change what’s happening around me. Things are happening I can’t control, avoid or deny. At those moments, I’ve learned some hard lessons.
I don’t even like thinking about those feelings. When the news is filled with reports of major hurricanes, it triggers memories of going through them for me. At those times, I can’t control the weather, the utilities or the actions of those around me. Those episodes along with some other unpleasant ones I endured are what comes to mind on hearing reports of category five storms.
Although I am thankful that they are past, they weren’t fun when they were happening. When those out-of-control situations come around, I say to myself “here we go again”.
It’s during those times, you find out what your real coping skills are. To what degree do you cope or what degree do you try digging your way through the situation? When it’s all over, what did you learn about yourself?
What lessons have you learned from being in situations where you felt out of control?
There is something self-defeating in using control as a way of being out of control. Additionally, the use of control typically includes using anger and temper tantrums to make things happen. Trying to take charge of situations where you are powerless is ineffective. I know that some of you are in the ‘fake it till you make it’ camp.
When you’re out of control, faking like you have control, or controlling others with less control that you is pointless. I call this the ‘kicking the dog’ syndrome.
When things are out of control in your family, it doesn’t help when you take it out on the family pet.
It may make you feel a little better at having some control, but it ruins the trust that once existed there. Kicking the dog, or those who are more helpless than you is sadistic and self-serving.
With affairs, you’re out of control. You can’t be the puppet master and control all the people, events and emotions everyone is feeling. You can’t rescue anyone, including yourself. On a good day, the most you can control are your own feelings.
At some point, you’re going to have to face the fact that having an affair is being out of control.
The need for control is often based on fear. The feeling of not being in control can be so scary that people will do anything to create a false sense of it.
When those situations go on for long periods, it brings out bad habits. Those habits include shutting down, raging, taking your anger out on others, or taking it out on yourself. You may have even discovered that the bitch mask you put on, you can no longer take off.
When the long-term effects of affairs keep you stuck in that out-of-control place, you need help. The video “Overcoming Affair Trauma” guides you in moving past those experiences.
You can move past the self-defeating habits. You don’t have to permanently keep your ‘bitch mask’ on.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
