One of the tough challenges cheaters often face is when the resolute spouse holds the affair over your head, with frequent reminders about your failure. Just being constantly reminded about failures is discouraging enough. Having something as ugly as an affair as a reminder is extremely discouraging. In many cases, the resolute spouse has been hurt. Hopefully they can talk about their hurt rather than take it out on you. When they take it out on you, it is akin to rubbing the animals nose in their mistakes.
Some resolute spouses use the affair as a way to manipulate and control. Using the affair to control in such a manner is exploitative. The motive behind the resolute spouse doing this varies from spouse to spouse. Some do it because they do not know any better, some do it due to not knowing how to deal with their hurts. For them dealing with control is easier than dealing with hurt. Hurt brings vulnerability and many of them are frightened of being vulnerable. When given a choice of visiting a haunted house or becoming vulnerable, they will opt for the haunted house.
Some resolute spouses are mean. They may hold it over your head for spite or just sheer control. When love diminishes in relationships, control is often used as a cheap substitute. What is needed is love, not the cheap substitute.
So how do you deal with it?
1. Bring it to your spouses attention.
2. Give them a better way of motivating you than guilt or shame.
3. Remind them that you are husband and wife, NOT master and slave. Marriages often do not work when the power is unequal to that degree.
4. Let your spouse know how it leaves you feeling to have it held over your head. Make sure to use emotion words rather than descriptions or judgements.
5. When you are in too deep, get additional help. bring in a counselor, pastor or use self-help resources (such as my e-book on How to cope with a cheating Spouse).
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
